Saturday, August 05, 2006

On the mechanics of a perfect relationship(s)


Disclaimer: Unpalatable for most.

We live in a fast, rapidly evolving, constantly changing planet. Nothing in today's world stays constant or at a stand-still for more than a few months. The mantra of our generation is Change/Adapt for the better. Why then do relationships or more precisely our perception of it remain so archaic and stoneage-ish?? When everything is evolving so rapidly why shouldnt then the concept of "being in a relationship" evolve too, instead of being so rigid and strait-jacketed?? After all Darwin did point out several centuries ago that something that doesnt evolve will be left behing as dead as a dodo in the race for survival.

Consider what we have so vehemnetly labeled a "normal, stable, serious" man-woman relationship. The two most important pillars of this school of thought are the following:

1. Loyalty: He can have sex with her and her only.
2.Faithfulness: She can have sex with him and him only.

Now you might bull-crap with me till eternity that You lousy bastard, why does it have to be only sex related, how about the mental match, how about those intimate close moments of saying or doing nothing, how about the holding hands and watching a sweet movie, how about those romantic drives, but in reality dickheads points (1) and (2) are the basic premises on which the rest of the mushy shit is based. You will stop holding your sweetie's hands in the movie and not enjoy those sweet nothing conversations even one bit, the moment you thought or had the impression that either of points (1) and (2) are being violated. Infact you can work on those mush things, she can take the-book-hating-him to Borders and introduce him to the wonderful world of books or he can take the-movie-phobic-her to movies and do the same for her. What that essentially means in black and white is that theres always a compatible mush-laden middle path that you can reach fairly easily as long as points (1) or (2) are in no mortal jeopardy.

So my question is whats the deal with this?? Why does the sex-with-me-and-me-only belief the single most important criteria for a relationship to be intact, infact it is so much so the case that ALL of us are conditioned to take it for granted and consider it the absolute holy grail that cannot be questioned.

Its a given ass-hole, that has to be there, without it how can you even think of a loving relationship I hear some of you say. And then there will be a ton of arguements in favor of it most which are quite frankly daft. The one that I find side-splittingly funny goes like this When you are in that special relationship, its not the actual sex that matters, but the fact that you are MAKING LOVE to that special person that will be so much more treasured by you. And the folowup quote for this usually goes The sex and the raw passion is going to be soon over anyway. So what you are telling me is that when I'm in bed with my girlfriend/wife with a hard-on the size of the God damn eiffel tower I shouldnt be worried about the super freakish blowjob I am hoping to get or the wonderful kinky doggie thingie I have in mind, instead I should say a small prayer to God thanking him for this opportunity to be in the same bed with that special person irrespective of the fact that she might be a fucking log in bed. Not just that I should also be quitely telling myself Ok we have been having sex for 5 years now, and I guess today is the last day of our now monotonic sex routine, from tomorrow I re-enter my sexual celibacy phase, this time for good, so bless me O holy father. I dont know about you but I find this terrifyingly depressing.

On the other hand think of the scenario where you arent strait-jacketed to share your bodily fluids with one person for the rest of your adult life. The possibilities are endless. I'm not saying that you shouldnt have one person who you really love or feel comfortable with or want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with and all that Blah. What I am saying is all of the above needs to be disjointed from the concept of sex-with-me-only is the one-and-only-relationship-loyalty test.

I mean come on 10 years in bed with the same girl/boy will invariably drive the sex drive to extinction. And when that happens you have one of two routes to take. You can either fool yourself by saying She is my wife/girlfriend, we dont need the sex, we have been in this mature long term relationship and petty things like sex dont really matter. And then continue to lead your sex-devoid life and completely shut it out of your mind like the forbidden fruit you can no longer enjoy. Or you can take the extra-marital route and try and spice up your sex life at the expense of being labelled unloyal and the looming prospect of a foreboding alimony sum.

But as soon as you separate the sex from the loyalty concept all these disturbing things like middle/quarter life crisis or extra-marital affair go straight out of the window. Just like you play squash with your buddy every evenings, you can go have wonderful sex with that youg hunk from your gym and then come back home and spend a lovely night with your husband/boyfriend of 10 years feeling all pepped up and sprightly. Who knows it might even bring back the sex in your own mature-stable-sex-deprived relationship.

As a final word: Dont let the sex die, even if you have been sharing the bed for 10 years dont let sex become a chore, let it be as exciting and as passionate as it was the first time you guys had sex. And if you cant do that then stop equating sex with loyalty. Because I atleast, need great sex and tons of it.

32 comments:

abhi said...

Thats a freaking awesome post. Gutsy and bold and really great.

superficial said...

"hard-on the size of the God damn eiffel tower"

Now you have my attention ;-)

superficial said...

On a more coommentable note, yea the mdle-life crisis is I think in a big way brought in by the lack of the sex and hence the spice in the relationship. Valid point that, esecially more for the man I guess.

aski said...

Excellent post dude, and in some twisted way it does make sense, though the evolution I dont think is going to happen anytime soon.

Anonymous said...

Grow up man.

starry nights said...

I think loyalty and sex go together.Your sex life does not have to dwindle down just because you are with the same person.You have to work on it to make it exciting and make your partner feel like u did on your honeymoon.Like a plant it needs nuturing and care.If you dont then it is going to die.Dont take each other for granted and make an effort.pretend that she is your girlfriend and do the same things you did when u were dating her or when u were first married.make her feel special and you will not be disappointed.You wont feel like going out with anyone else.Dont let the mushiness stop after marriage.

Anonymous said...

Thats an awesome post man!

Very much true but needs guts to write.

Kudos to you! :)

ria said...

agree with starry nights said and btw is your sex life on the downturn these days or is this a peek into ur foreboding future?

orkuts said...

the final advide sounded like preaching of a grumpy 50 year old, jhantu

satyaki said...

As always the radically differing viewoint.

waiterrant said...

Very frank and a bold ideas, a bit over the top but even then pretty gut hittingly hard.

d'yer ma'ker said...

"1. Loyalty: He can have sex with her and her only.
2.Faithfulness: She can have sex with him and him only."

Love the two laws of a intact relationship ;)

ambrosia said...

Hi. This is a very interesting post and it has brought out issues albeit in a peculiar way. Not complaining, thats your style :-). In fact, I was reading a short story by Hanif Kureishi last pm and was quite dismayed that in the story, a beautiful mental match had to get spoilt and put on hold for 10 long years (what a terrible waste) simply because of the "two important pillars" you mention that the society has come to swear by.

The problem clearly is that "love" has got linked with the concept of "sex". The other problem ALSO is how we firmly believe that love is only to be given to one and no other and that one can love ONLY ONE person at a time. Whereas the FACT is that each individual is unique and love is a unique response to a unique person, and the way we love one person, we can never love another, or a third or a fourth.... The other problem is that the wonderful English language like all other languages I guess suffers from an acute lack of words to explain "love". See, how we can gleefully say - "I love icecream" but we cannot say so with as much ease to a human being, more so if he/she is a friend. How we are heavily dependent on societal lore to help us classify "which" category of love the love we feel for a certain person falls into and all that!! One feels terribly cramped that one is unable to exercise freedom in expressing love.

I think there is tremendous confusion about what love is and that stops one from exploring sex in its entirety. All are linked!! What say you......

karmic_jay said...

What starry nights said. Also it's for the 2 people involved as to how they want things to be.

jhantu said...

@abhi,aksi,anon: thanks

@superficial: ;-)

@starry nights: while thats a idealistic thought my doubt is it doesnt work out in the same way in practise.

@orkuts: im in my 20s going onto my 50s and grumpy as hell as well

jhantu said...

@satyaki: as always!

@waiterrant: Oh the king comments, I am honored

@d'yer ma'ker: i love them tooo

@ambrosia : Absolutely, though the post ddnt mean to say that you be in a love-relationship with a handful of people at a time (love being defined here as a man-woman staying togethe kind of thingie and not a friends thingie), what it was trying to say is the view that the primary requiement for the relationship to stay intact is that you can have sex with that person only should not be the most-important yadstick.

@karmic_jay: right you are, i was speaking of my doubts though

holy spirit said...

Equating love with sex although not the right way to go about it but thats something given of our society which one has to bow down to. and often itsnt that bad also

LOL said...

about ur profile " the monk who gained 3 inches in 3 months" LOL :))

is this that great book jhantu is writing?

Anonymous said...

yeah dude - trouble however arises when u think u'r so willing to cheat, but u just cant seem to get it up with any other girl except ur love - no matter how hot the chick is, when u're in love, u're in love!!

Anonymous said...

yeah dude - trouble however arises when u think u'r so willing to cheat, but u just cant seem to get it up with any other girl except ur love - no matter how hot the chick is, when u're in love, u're in love!!

M (tread softly upon) said...

*lol*
I guess its hard to get used to the idea of multiple sex partners when one is in a serious relation. Loyalty, faithfulness sort of tie in with expectations. The sleeping around outside of relation would create more problems than one. And having sex with one person does not necessarily have to be boring and mundane. Unless you want it to be that way.

opinionatedinjerzee said...

lol!! roflmao!! you sure have a way of writing and getting your point accross!! hmmmmn....

the girl said...

This is surely a heck of a funny way to geta pretty serious point across. Point noted but not taken!
;-)

Princess Cheryl said...

"Ok we have been having sex for 5 years now, and I guess today is the last day of our now monotonic sex routine, from tomorrow I re-enter my sexual celibacy phase, this time for good, so bless me O holy father. I dont know about you but I find this terrifyingly depressing."

wouldnt be that depressing if you are really into your partner, multiple sex partners wouldnt even cross your mind then

bobby finstock said...

"Because I atleast, need great sex and tons of it."

So is that the primary motive behind this post ;-)

Chilla-Bong said...

Hmmm,daring bold post about saaxx which most of the desi blogger just like our desi population like to practice in corners but not preach openly.Hey never knew desi blogosphere has its own De Saad kinda personality.Will definately keep visiting once a week for updates.

freespirit said...

hey thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad you did or I wouldn't have found your extremely funny blog. I may or may not agree with all your theories, but i sure love the way u write! Keep 'em coming!

jhantu said...

@M : yea M forgot the fact that sleeping around outside the primary rwlation would create a truckload of other prblms.. thnks for reminding ;)

@opinionatedinjerzee : thank you

@girl: hmmm

@pri cheryl:righto

@bobby: of course !!

@chilla-bong: pls visit everyday

@freespirit: ah another falls for the jhantu-magic

Anonymous said...

Ur final words seem full of wisdom!! "Dont let the sex become a chore"

Sounds like a sermon Im attending ;-)

wannabe blogger said...

"Ok we have been having sex for 5 years now, and I guess today is the last day of our now monotonic sex routine, from tomorrow I re-enter my sexual celibacy phase, this time for good, so bless me O holy father."

LOL!!! You are funny, majorly so

cupid said...

Now you have your own twisted devious way of making people laugh dont you, you bloody bugger

M (tread softly upon) said...

"ah another falls for the jhantu-magic" you're hilarious :)))