Friday, March 31, 2006

Mithunda Commands--- and tags me

And finally it has happened. MI-I (mithunda intelligence-inc.) headquartered at hotel monarch in ooty has learnt that talks are on for awarding Prabhuji with the "Lifetime acheivement Oscar" for 2007. With the ever growing importance of the internet, Prabhuji has commanded his loyal blogo-clique to spread the word like wildfire to far and distant places and in his own words "mere gun gao vatsya and me tumhe loha-2 gunda-2 and cheetah-2 ke free tkts/mithunda's especial extended dvd version doonga".

Through his highly clandestine blog he has tagged me : "10 or more Reasons why Mithunda should get 2007's Lifetime Acheivement Oscar" .

So here's my ode to Prabhuji. The academy needs to honor and recognize this super-being :

(1) For creating the phenomena now popularly known as DISCO.

(2) For forging a bond stronger than "ye fevicol ka bond hai" with Bappi Lahiri and in the process churning out world cinema, world music, world theatre and world symphony's greatest musical numbers .

(3) For his single minded devotion to avenge the rapes of his 1,00,00,000 onscreen sisters.

(4) For, through his movies, finally pointing out the fallacies in the theories of those "gora physicists": Newton, Einstein, Oppenheimer Hawkings et al., and through his movies developing a new branch of natural sciences now known as "Principia Mithunika"-- "Mithunik principles of natural philosophy", which has led to breakthroughs in finally developing a Grand-Unified -Theory for the universe. Top secret research is being carried out in the basements and undrrground parking lots of Hotel Monarch and the application of this theory has been shown in many of Prabhuji's movies . Please rent Loha, Hitler, Cheetah for further reference.

(5) For creating a business model for the film industry guaranteed to produce 50 superhit movies a year out of 51 produced. The 51st doesnt count as DARPA, USA, buys exclusive rights for that 51st movie each year to advance their next-genertion-weapons-system research.

(6) For his pathbreaking potrait of a man-tiger in the greatest movie in the history of movies : "Cheetah".

(7) For spotting, nurturing, developing and finally introducing phenomenol heavy-buxomed, tyre-waisted, thunder-thighed ravishing out-of-this-world beauties to world cinema.

(8) For being an inspiration for millions of movie makers around the world. From James bond to Rocky, from the governator in commando to De-Niro in Raging Bull, from Ray (in case you dont remember, Apu trilogy was a rural adaptation of Mithunda's life) to Tarantino (Kill Bill's blood-bath sequences were a straight lift from Ravan Raaj-A true story) one and all have been touched by Mithunda's movies.

(9) For creating such unforgetable onscreen characters as : Bhuvan Panda (Chingari), Baba Sikander (Elaan), Dr.Ram gopal acharya (Classic Dance of Love), Arjun Singh Toofan (Aaya Toofan), Amavas/Vijay Bahadur Kunwar/Police Inspector (Jallad and yea these are three roles-in-one-movie, three times as much Prabhuji as you wnt for the price of one), Zamindar Deva (Phool aur Aag), Bhola Nath (Dalaal), Gunmaster G-9/Gopinath (wardaat).

(10) For eternally confusing IMDB and the Academy as to whether to classify his movie as a thriller/love-story/sci-fi/horror and thus creating an all encompassing movie genre now being refereed to as Mithunik.

(11) And finally for true Mithundaistic panache in naming his heir Mimoh (dance like Michael Jackson and fight like Mohammad Ali)

So please ladies and gentleman spread the word around and let us bow before the king--- Mithunda. And feel free to contribute and enhance the list.

Tag for "10 or more reasons why mithunda should be nominated for 2007’s Lifetime Achievement Oscar". (post-post clarification). I tag :
  • greatbong
  • ,
  • outlet
  • ,
  • bongopundit
  • ,
  • sagnik
  • , gamemasterG9, satyaki

    . Other Mithunda lovers consider yourself tagged too.

    Lady love

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    And I thought sex was all fun. Poor me . Failed to see the sting all ready to strike. Damn!!! God the price the poor males have to pay for entering an inch long slit.
    Moral: Lookout for the sting in the tail, errr i mean the chopper in the slit.

    Tuesday, March 28, 2006

    The happening desi grad party

    Let me admit right at the very beginning. I love good food, I love my drinks, I love my music and when I get them for free I love them even more. Thats why Im in love with the desi grad party scene.

    When you land up at a party thrown by indian grads, theres one thing that you can be assured of. The amount of food on the dinner table will make your eyes roll over in glee--especially if you happen to be gluttonous bastard like me. Its not like what those stupid americans have for you, some rotting salsa chips, maybe a packet or two of buns and some sausages to go with them. But in a desi party you can be assured that eat you will in plenty. And you dont need to bother about another important thing while you're busy stuffing your stomach with a week's worth of food. You dont need to make any kind of effort to carry out any kind of conversation with the people around you. Usually when I go to an un-desi party I spend a majority of my time chatting up with femmes, fatale or not is a different issue, trying my utmost to hook up with some of them. And in the process end up missing whatever meagre food that was on the table. But in a desi partyy.. HUH .. nochance in hell of that happening. I can concentrate on my food with single minded devotion. The girls that will be there, desi babes i mean, will give the dodo a superiority complex in terms of holding a street smart "im trying to hook u babes" conversation. The best of the bestest pick-up lines you might use, but I assure you it will be in vain. So eat I can the stupendous supply of food with full devotion and not worry about my getting-laid quotient for the night being lowered. Actually that gettng-laid option wasnt even there in the first place. After all our dodo-esque Desi babes are pious, pure, no-sex-before-you-weds divine creatures.

    Then there are the drinks. Desi grads you see are self confessed greatest alcohol drinkers that have ever graced this planet of ours. Stories abound in the desi grad circles about how that cool cs desi phd guy drinks a litre of tequila a day and then starts working on that differential geometry problem or how sweeti is a cool cat and washes down seven shots of lethal-liquid cocktail in seven minutes without batting an eyelid. But you see I have spent four years of my life prowling within the dark depths of that now cult underground desi-party scene. I know that the combined drinking prowess of my cool cs buddy and sweeti and all their friends, desi babas and babes included, equals Saurav Ganguly's prowess of surviving a battery of mean quicks on a Gabba greentop. So anytime I go to a desi party which has a fairly decent supply of alcohol, I make myself very close to my dear frinds, Jose Currero, Jager, Smirnoff and anybody else who was bought in for the party. Happily and merrily I spend my time with these dear friends of mine while sweeti and her buddies continue to wash down seven lethal pegs in seven quantun minutes in a parallel quantum universe, while still trying hard to finish off that glass of wine that they had asked for, about an hour ago from now, in the universe in which I stay.

    Oh and dont forget the dance and the music. You will hear of legendary cool parties where a guy or two with a guitar along with a whole pack of partying desi baba and babes, having elevated their will-get-laid quotient to godly status (more on the lines of buddha's denounce all physical comforts preaching rather than indradev's lets bring out the chicks ) and washed down copious amounts of lethal cocktails in a parallel universe, sit in a circle and sing songs-- songs that must include hotel california and plenty of soulful hindi numbers. Talk about cool party animals. Can you beat that??? I know I cant. Thats why Im still an outcast in the happening desi party scene. Thats why I have to find solace with Jose. And there are three more of them on the table. But wait the cool party animals have now started Euphoria's horrid "Mairi". And I dont even know the words.

    No wonder Im too un-cool for these cult parties. Jose I need you now.

    Monday, March 20, 2006

    Hindu GODs -- errr no --DOGs

    Theres something utterly weird about hindu GODS. Hindu GODS, you see are omnipresent, all-seeing all-knowing pious deities. Respected and revered, prayed to by 1/6th of the world's population with single-minded devotion. But boy-o-boy all of them, all 33 crores of them, have so many skeletons in their cupboards that they would put Heidi Fleiss to shame. Most of them are drug/sex addicts, do not even remotely believe in the concept of bigamy, have tons of extra martial affairs, spend a large portion of their time drinking and womanizing, going to playboy style playmate parties usually thrown by that pimp of all pimps Indradev and then whatever time is left after all of these GODly activities they then get busy in the extortion business. Extorting money and goodies and anything else they can lay their hands on from us, us poor hindu mortals.

    Take for example my fav one -- Shiva. Now Shiva/bholebaba as hes affectionately called, is the original hash/ganja addict. I mean the dude spends his life sitting on kailash ODe-ing on all sorts of nasty chemicals, basically anything that he can lay his hands on or anything that his two trusted aides Nandi and Bhiringi can get to him. And given that hes immortal even if he goes overboard with ODe-ing it wont really make a nickle's worth of difference to him. And to top it all hes selected the male phallus as his representative on planet earth and sati-savitri desi females actually spend millions of mondays pouring milk on this male phallus at crores of temples across my motherland hoping to get a husband as dashing as bhole-baba. Talk about being horny and a junkie.

    How about Vishnu?? The poor guy suffers from MPD (multiple-personality-disorder). Remember : yada yada hi dharmyasa glanir bhawati bharata, abhutyanam tadmanam sambhavi juge juge. Now for the layman that basically translates to the following: me vishnu will appear with varying confusing identities on planet earth whenever i forget my medication. I wonder how his married life is holding on. Every morning his wife has to figure out who her husband is today: a skirt chasing krishna or a wife condemning ram. What a life.

    How about Yaamraaj. This guy has taken the extortion business to a whole new level. Forget Abu Salem and the D guys, Yaamraaj is the orginal mafia kingpin. He and his trusted right-hand Chitragupta keep written acounts of everything that everyones doing. Now that for me is the ultimate fodder for black-mail and extortion. And from time to time when Yaamraaj feels that nows the time to cash in his chips with you, he'll send out one of his cronies to collect his hafta. And a little persuasion comes with it too, in the form of threats to simmer and saute and fry you in a huge saucepan for eternity in hell, in case you refuse to pay up.

    The most interesting character though is Indradev. Now heres a pimp who somehow got elevated to GODly status, became immortal in the process and now runs the biggest sex racket in the whole universe. Not only does he have a harem bigger than the sheikh of brunei, he also organizes sex parties of magnitudes that would put Hugh Hefner to shame. Also anytime you need to get someone involved in a sex scandal, give Indradev a call. He'll send out one of his most voluptious, seductive indian play-mates (eg., rambha , sanjukta) and rest assured that the job will be done. Who was the dumbwitted asshole who gave a pimp GODly status.

    Then theres the dumb-and-dumber pair of Varun and Pawan. One of them has a farting problem and the other has a bladder that he just cannot control. Too much booze and girls at Indra's mansion does that to you dumbos.

    How about Kuber. This dude's the original Enronisque CEO. Continually engaging in black market deals, bribes and trying to cook up his books in anyway he can.

    And that leaves me with 32 crore 99 lack 99 thousand 9 hunderd and 94 more scandals to talk about. And i havenet yet started on the females. But Yaamraaj you see has decided that its time for his cronies to pay me a visit. No wonder GODs rhymes with DOGs. So off i must goooooo.

    Sunday, March 19, 2006

    A Formal framework for analyzing ur lady love

    There is something about the female of our species (especially desi ones) that tends to confuse us mere desi men in more ways than one. While I'm no expert by any stretch of anyones imagination when it comes to the fairer sex, what with some horrendous choice of girls -- one with an existing fiancee and one with a mafia hitman as daddy cool, but even then I do feel that my love-stories-gone-really-screwy might in some sense create a formal framework as to how us, the oppressed male species, deal with this omnipresent dilemna of tackling the fairer sex, who by the way are hell bent on making things as confusing and as murky as possible. So heres some basic concepts to keep in mind too cope with that dreaded scenario in a desi man's life, aka a desi lady love paying you a visit:

    (1) The absolute golden rule : Make damn sure that the girl's single. You dont want to spend the next damn months/years or whatever carrying a burden of guilt which by the way was never really initiated by you in the first place. And guys the female of our speces are unlike anything you find in the jungles of Africa. They are worse. The poor females in Africa atleast let everybody know that they are finished with one alpha male and moving onto the next one, while the females of our species might actually have their thumbs in both cookie jars at the same time. Greedy sluts trying to get the best of both worlds you see.

    (2) Tears usually mean some low blow is on its way: Beware of those cry-baby sessions. The only objective of those cry-sessions is to drown the poor man in a huge pool, no not pool but ocean of guilt. And in essence though your lady-love's tears might mean the world to you, to her its just her mind saying "AAAh got u by your balls now asshole".

    (3) You my man dont really matter: Now that my friend is the truth. You are disposable with a fleeting expiry date ticket that might be cashed anytime. And you can scratch your head till your scalp starts to bleed trying to understand why that is so. But the bottomline for that is the simple concept of supply and demand. Girls, decent ones, are in short supply, while males. alpha males, are in fair abundance and thus the market dynamics take over.

    (4) You serve a purpose: Now face it guys, girls have needs too. You can ogle your way through porn-land and back, satisfying your more carnal desires, but what about those poor females. Straight porns dont do mjuch for them and gay porns are well "ooo gay is still a taboo for us sweet indian ladies". How do they do anything? Enter you. You my dear who'll forever be willing to serve your lady love, if and when, she needs some of those more carnal services.

    (5) Females are liars: Now this is one rule that should always be at the back of your mind when your lady love is weaving her noose of destruction around ur poor neck. Do not get blinded by all those sweet "im so in love with you comments". Be absolutely clear about the fact that a good part of a females cerebral activity is spent trying to fool people with a degree of conviction that would make Jason Bourne proud. And you aren't the first one to whom she has crooned those lines and chances are extremely bright that you wont be the last.

    (6) My lady love is a black widow spider: This my man is the mother of all rules. Given half a chance she'll eat you for lunch and keep your remains for eating later. Black widows you see eat their mates, immediately after copulating.

    Friday, March 10, 2006

    Jhantu vs Freddy

    Any one of you guys seen "Jason vs Freddy" or for that matter the "nightmare on elm street" flicks?? Remember how Freddy looked?? Well right now Uncle Freddy would beat me hands down in a "whose the handsomest-- me or you" contest.. Try imagining an already ugly dude with two enormously swollen bags below both eyes, a quarter size bump on the forehead, and an ugly reddish maroonish color to all those bumps that hes collected on his face. If you can let your imagination run havoc, at the perils of having ghastly nightmares about this ugly to boot dude, then i'm in your dreams.

    Wednesday, March 01, 2006

    the beauty of the bihari tongue

    I was a bong. A mach-bhath (fish-rice) ogling, ganguly-worshipping, east-bengal-supporting, dor-baa*a-muttering, pure, unadulterated, 100% quintesential made-in-calcutta bong. I knew only bong gaaalis (swears) and they were sweet, rhythmic (try saying bo** ch **** and see what i mean), intellectually crafted (refer to the mahayan), usually non-acidic with little or no reference to the women in your family (except for ban****, which is a mis-leading translation of the more clear behen****; ban**** infact is more close to something that sushma swaraj would have liked to broadcast -- ban-fuc**** and let the swans drop the seed in your wombs dear ladies).

    And then suddenly one fine hot summer day, way back in the summers of 1998, everything changed. The bong gets introduced to the bihari tongue. I had read hansel and gretel 10 summers ago, but it was then that i realized what the two misguided souls felt when they saw the cookie-&-chocolate-house. The bihari tongue was a treasure chest. It was mind-bogglingly awesome. A normal polite conversation in bihari would make you feel that your candy ass was being verbally whipped to hell and back. Forget the stupid, inane bong insults this was the real deal. The mother of all mother tongues. Who was the idiot who declared hindi to be our national language, if it was upto me it would have been good old bihari. Imagine the advantages of that, 1/6th of the world's population speaking the way Lalu does. Man-o-man wouldnt that be cool. Wouldnt the usually uncool brown indians with a funny accent be revered by those hot blonde bombshells in those pubs and nightclubs. Forget the coolest of the cool jamaican accents, the bihari accent is what those ever elusive blondes would fall for. How can they resist a pick-up line that goes :

    " denkhiye (stress on the n) sandra babby hum kahe de raha hoo jyaada tem nahi na hai humre pas, nachiyega humre saath to boliye nahi to mandra humra waiting kar rahi hai oo baju me".

    Bloody candy ass jamaicans with their oh-so-cool "hey maaaaaaaan" lines would have been decimated in seconds. And we blonde-ogling brownies would rule the blonde's-world with an iron rod, errr no i mean acerbic tongue.
    (Maxim as as aside: Flicking acerbic tongue goes a long way to satisfy the fairer sex in general)

    bhujla ki naa.. nahi bujhi.. arreee burbak ho kaa??


    Main azaad hoo
    Main hoo Heera jisne bullet ko daato se Cheera
    Main rampur ka laxman tu hathipur ki shabnam
    Main hoo woh zero tu hai woh hero
    Main kaun hoo, main kaha hoo

    Me jhantu nahi hooooooooooooooooooo