Monday, March 20, 2006

Hindu GODs -- errr no --DOGs

Theres something utterly weird about hindu GODS. Hindu GODS, you see are omnipresent, all-seeing all-knowing pious deities. Respected and revered, prayed to by 1/6th of the world's population with single-minded devotion. But boy-o-boy all of them, all 33 crores of them, have so many skeletons in their cupboards that they would put Heidi Fleiss to shame. Most of them are drug/sex addicts, do not even remotely believe in the concept of bigamy, have tons of extra martial affairs, spend a large portion of their time drinking and womanizing, going to playboy style playmate parties usually thrown by that pimp of all pimps Indradev and then whatever time is left after all of these GODly activities they then get busy in the extortion business. Extorting money and goodies and anything else they can lay their hands on from us, us poor hindu mortals.

Take for example my fav one -- Shiva. Now Shiva/bholebaba as hes affectionately called, is the original hash/ganja addict. I mean the dude spends his life sitting on kailash ODe-ing on all sorts of nasty chemicals, basically anything that he can lay his hands on or anything that his two trusted aides Nandi and Bhiringi can get to him. And given that hes immortal even if he goes overboard with ODe-ing it wont really make a nickle's worth of difference to him. And to top it all hes selected the male phallus as his representative on planet earth and sati-savitri desi females actually spend millions of mondays pouring milk on this male phallus at crores of temples across my motherland hoping to get a husband as dashing as bhole-baba. Talk about being horny and a junkie.

How about Vishnu?? The poor guy suffers from MPD (multiple-personality-disorder). Remember : yada yada hi dharmyasa glanir bhawati bharata, abhutyanam tadmanam sambhavi juge juge. Now for the layman that basically translates to the following: me vishnu will appear with varying confusing identities on planet earth whenever i forget my medication. I wonder how his married life is holding on. Every morning his wife has to figure out who her husband is today: a skirt chasing krishna or a wife condemning ram. What a life.

How about Yaamraaj. This guy has taken the extortion business to a whole new level. Forget Abu Salem and the D guys, Yaamraaj is the orginal mafia kingpin. He and his trusted right-hand Chitragupta keep written acounts of everything that everyones doing. Now that for me is the ultimate fodder for black-mail and extortion. And from time to time when Yaamraaj feels that nows the time to cash in his chips with you, he'll send out one of his cronies to collect his hafta. And a little persuasion comes with it too, in the form of threats to simmer and saute and fry you in a huge saucepan for eternity in hell, in case you refuse to pay up.

The most interesting character though is Indradev. Now heres a pimp who somehow got elevated to GODly status, became immortal in the process and now runs the biggest sex racket in the whole universe. Not only does he have a harem bigger than the sheikh of brunei, he also organizes sex parties of magnitudes that would put Hugh Hefner to shame. Also anytime you need to get someone involved in a sex scandal, give Indradev a call. He'll send out one of his most voluptious, seductive indian play-mates (eg., rambha , sanjukta) and rest assured that the job will be done. Who was the dumbwitted asshole who gave a pimp GODly status.

Then theres the dumb-and-dumber pair of Varun and Pawan. One of them has a farting problem and the other has a bladder that he just cannot control. Too much booze and girls at Indra's mansion does that to you dumbos.

How about Kuber. This dude's the original Enronisque CEO. Continually engaging in black market deals, bribes and trying to cook up his books in anyway he can.

And that leaves me with 32 crore 99 lack 99 thousand 9 hunderd and 94 more scandals to talk about. And i havenet yet started on the females. But Yaamraaj you see has decided that its time for his cronies to pay me a visit. No wonder GODs rhymes with DOGs. So off i must goooooo.

16 comments:

sakshi said...

everything is fine except the part on vishnu-u jealous of His many wives

mojo said...

extra 'martial' affairs? whatever...

mojo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

interesting and funny .dont u ignore the remaining Gods...maybe some other time but no neglect.

Superhit said...

Got ur maths messed up dude. 32,99,99,993 more to go. Please bring them on especially the females.

Anonymous said...

About Shiva, there are multiple sources on the web which explain that Shiv Ling is not really his phallus but instead is a symbol of Agni/Fire.

Here is one of the links:
http://www.geocities.com/lamberdar/agni.html

Anti-establishment Inc said...

How on earth does one OD on hash/ ganja. Then you go on call him a junkie, a term that stands for a heroin addict.

Dude what were you trippin on when you wrote this article??

I mean ..no offence meant..kintu aarek tu research kora ki uchit noy:))

Peace out.
The Beatnik Baba

Satyakis Brew said...

Well Bondhu, coolly taken a trip. But you missed out one point Our God's are like our own sleves as aspiring as they can be.

Chai Anyone? said...

this shit was hilaaaaaarious!!

Tempest said...

that was great..gotta say...and the anonymous comment about the shiv ling not being the male phallous?...hmm..ling means male phallous...yet its not the male phallous..but it means it...darn this enigmatic sanskrit jibber jabber!...stop reading geocities articles and read a real book dude...

jhantu said...

@sakshi: polygamy is my life;s mission.. true hindu i am you see

@mojo: yea watever ;)

@anon1: sure wont

@superhit: me messing up my books i feels ala kuber

@anon2: the thing is his phallus is Firey unlike mine

@anti-est: pretty simple actually trying comsuming a pound of either and let me know if it worked for you

@satyaki: extremely aspiring only difference being that being GODs they dont need to aspire, abracadabra and your wish is done, unlike us who have to work our bloody butts off

@chai: thanks :)

@tempest: geocities and sanskrit can be a lethal "fire"y combo my friend

piyela said...

but u forgot about bong's favorite kaali maa

Anonymous said...

crap

Anonymous said...

total crap just like the writer

Yash said...

the person who has written this article is sick. idiots such as these always try to take a dig at our religion and culture. let me tell the whole world that Hinduism in the custodian of ultimate philosophy of the world. i feel sorry for people like them but mind you ignorance is never bliss and I have no doubt whatsoever that they will be held to account by the forces of nature.

Anonymous said...

you suck my dear frnd...ur thoughts show how shallow ur upbringing is......and to target someone's religion in such a gross manner indicates that u r a loser in ur life feeling jealous of the powers of a God......because u in ur life can do nothing except writing such crap bringing ur frustration of losing everytime everywhere.