Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Mind your language sweetie

Love is a much maimed word. Any medium of any note ever, whether it be a simple piece of paper in the hands of such difficult to understand poets as Shelly or whether it be lines in talkies delivered with such intense emote that I have to carry a whole box of tissues for my girlfriend everytime I go see Sweet November, this is one word that has faced the extreme hormone induced onslaught of mankind. Nobody and I mean nobody has spared it, anybody who is somebody has decided to pen down his two cents worth of trash on the subject.

But we poor hep-Indians have a unique and therefore difficult problem when it comes to the language of love. This is not a problem which we have when we are proposing to that girl, or when we are out with her and chatting her up like theres no tomorrow, or when our hands are entwinned in the calm and serenity of our living room and we are murmuring those mushy gooey lovey dovey nonsense, this is the problem that shows its evil devious medusa like head the moment we we proceed from the calm of our living rooms to the confines of our bedrooms and its now time not just for our hands but our bodies to entwine. That is when the problem of the language of love comes to bite us in our bloody ugly ass. And by Jove its it has a bad bite.

Now you all bloody well know that dirty talk is the one thing that makes good sex into fucking great sex, not size, not technique (well to some extent) but it is the talk in the sex that gives it that NOx boost. Now if you are an Indian or you have been with an Indian girl, you would know that when it comes to dirty-sex talk during the sex she would lose out to a blind dodo, lock , stock and two smoking barrels included. Have you ever wondered why?? Why does the language of love betray the Shakespeare and Scott and Keats quoting bloody hep-indian babe in that moment when it matters the most??

Its because the poor soul is freaking confused. In that moment of truth when shes turned on and is on the absolute verge of a monumental orgasmic joy-ride she opens her mouth and is about to say Fuck me hard Jhantu, fuck me like I'm your sex-slaved bitch, but unfortunately for her, her basic instincts have taken over and what insteads comes out is her freaking mother-tongue Mujhe chodo mere praan-naath, me tumhari daasi hoo. (in bengali: esho amay chodo amar praneshwar, aami tomar bandi daasi). And as soon as Jhantu hears that daasi shit images of his broom-armed voluptuous-in-all-the-wrong-places kamwaali-bai (not kaamwali bt the housemaid) from calcutta crops up in his head and he goes limp faster than a mustang can go from o-80 mph and that moment of pure orgasmic passion passes by.

But then a few days later a tad more wiser she comes up with a strategy that would solve the sex-talk problem. I am feeling horny Jhantu murmurs in her ears as he unbuckles his belt and she coos right back would you like to taste the forbidden nector that overflows in my pristine river of venus. And Jhantu stops unbuttoning his pants and looks up with a dazed look Come again. She was ready with one-liners that she had memorized over the last two nights penned down by Mills and Boons. Unfortunately for Jhantu she didnt see Jenna Jameson mouthing obsecenities in his stash of porn movies. For fucking sweet Jesus Christs' sake girl call the spade a spade and say the pussy is a pussy, thats what turns the man on not some sissy talk about flowing rivers.

But she shall not give up that easily. So she decides she shall let Jhantu lead the way. He is the pastmaster and she shall only respond to his dirty talk. Back in that bedroom, locked in a passionate all-consuming embrace with Jhantu's mouth buried deep in her supine form she hears Jhantu's stifled yet commanding voice echo from within the crevices of her body Feff me fu fant foo vee fuvved viffe va vich (Tell me you want to be fucked like a bitch-- fuckers thats the best you can do if your face is buried in a very delicious body). She cant make out what hes saying, he does like German bands, is he dirty-talking in German she wonders. Jhantu in the meanwhile is on an uphill slope of passion and growls his muffled sex-talk a tad more loudly this time and in the process making it even more incoherent. She is panic-stricken now, she needs to respond. Say something say anything her mind tells her as Jhantu's growls create a cacophony of German echoes in her ears. She tries to remember the words of atleast one of those German songs he had sent her. But her mind isnt working, and so she screams, the most high-pitched panic-laden passionate scream you've ever heard. She lets out her mating call with a vengence HEIL HITLER BABY!! And Jhantu comes up from within the crevices of her form You fucking Nazi cunt he screams right back.

And then on their next night in that now sound-proofed bedroom Jhantu tells her Today I shall teach you the French way of making love, my darling. What can that be sweetheart, she coos. Let me show you

WHAM BAM, THANK YOU MAM

51 comments:

ria said...

God I fell off laughing, tell me this isnt true. please do. Shit man

WishfulThinker said...

LOL!!! I'm still giggling man!! Was reminded of this american porn clip I watched that had voiceovers in Gujju!! Hilarious!!!

ambrosia said...

Is your name really Jhantu.... aise he... just asking...... I suspect..... :-) (oh, and I have read your current post and that is what inspired me to ask)

freespirit said...

Ahem...'Jhantu' seems to be a terribly unsexy name to be screamig out in the throes of passion. Pretty much like the 'mujhe chodo mere prannath' variety u quote in the post!

And yes...i can't stop laughing!

Rajesh Dangi said...

ha ha ha...like this

sua said...

He He ho ho
HEIL JHANTU' brand of sex humor

babelfish said...

haven't deserted, netless for a fortnight or so, passing on phishy wuv till the next time i can return...

M (tread softly upon) said...

This is it...I'm not reading you at work anymore. Unless I want to be thrown out for laughing so much.
"what insteads comes out is her freaking mother-tongue " who the hell are you f***ing? That's why they never taught us to swear in the vernacular. It doesn't produce desired results ;)

starry nights said...

This was too hilarious.How do you come up with all this stuff.Whats the next language you are going to teach her.

jhantu said...

@ria: this is isnt true, happy now!

@wishfulthinker: was that the desi starring american clip? if so you've just seen me.

@ambrosia: unfortunately it is

@freespirit: Jhantu does seem like an uncool desi name but try closing ur eyes for a second, center urself and then chant "Jhantu is the sex god, jhantu is the sex god". Can you feel the surreal tantric bliss?

@rajesh, sua: he wh laughs last shall laugh the best

@babelfish: Owwww what hapened to ze internet fishy??

@m: I assure that I only fuck the hep-desi babes, bt somehow I bring out the worst in them, beats me how.

@starry nights: the only language i use during sex nowadays is sign language.

orkuts said...

This is too much. This brand of sex humor is getting funnier by every post.

Anonymous said...

Wah kiya post hai
Wah kiya jhantu hai
Wah Wah Wah

Dreamcatcher said...

Side splittingly funny :D
and a killer last line :)

opinionatedinjerzee said...

lol!! that was the funniest post i have read in a looooooong time!!! you are a f ing comedian!! keep it up!

Rapid I Movement said...

Maybe Ozzy should adopt you or something:)

orion said...

this is soo funny... hahaha.. Heil Hitler.. hahaha...

Anonymous said...

I have a question doesnt your girlfrind break out into fits of laughter when you make love to her. If I was her then I'd be laughing my assoff at the prospect of having sex with the hilarious jhantu.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious man!

good morning, midnight said...

Thank God she didn't quote Bankim..."Ei bandi amar praneshwar". I am laughing so much my sides hurt. And German bands, heeheehee!!!

Aditi said...

Lolz pretty funny..

Om said...

hey
"wham bam thank you mam" sounds american, not french :p

Paavani said...

Good writeups.
you really knows a lot Jhantu (assumeing it means something - jhanta hoon something).

d'yer ma'ker said...

God damn it this is awesome. I am now addicted to your sex escapades, which im sorry to say is more funny than sexy

sua said...

So you dirty talk in german, no wonder ur desi babes find you incorrigible!!

jhantu said...

@dreamcather,opinionatedinjerzee,sach1tb,
anons, d'yer: Buggers you find mysex encounters funny, damn you , you insensitive folks. Though I should beat my own trumpet and clarify Im bloody GOOD!

@good morning: Do you want me to have a heart-attack while having sex, how shall i face God then?? How did you die , by having intercourse your all-mightiness

@rapid I: Im Ozz'z 57th illegitemate so. Curretly I have filed a case claimig 1/3rd of his property currently being enjoyed by that asshole jack and that bitch kelly.

@aditi: u share your name with a girl I used to screw, bad memories.

@om: not the language but the technique/style of a quickie.

@sua: Ich Wil

jhantu said...

@pavaani: thank you, Jhantu means a complete giveup/moron/chutiya all rolled into one. A bad person in essence.

Ram said...

Hail jhantu the great.....

cupid said...

Totally dangerous reading your posts, any time my side might split with me laughing.

piyela said...

satya boom----boom u can be next khuswant singh.........

opinionatedinjerzee said...

hey, im tagging you!!

Anand K said...

Haah.... just wait till she goes absolutely porn; "I will be velevt-mouthed on your shank of love, baby" as Henrietta Holm did with Sylvester Stallone (Yeah, Sly had done a Porn movie once.... when he was a struggling bum like Rocky)
That's when you get.... "Gawd, what have I gotten myself into?!" and then inadvertently pat the edges of your mouth to check for Herpes lesions.

PS: If I ever get a chance with Ilsa, she-wolf of the 3rd Reich and she cries out for Uncle Hitler and Goebbels in bed... I probably will play along with "Aaaachhh soooo..... Mov die grossen backsiden, b1tszch! Mein ist komming, Ahhhhhh Fich! Fich! Fich! Arggghhhh Kaput! Fich! Mein Gott in Himmel.... Fichhhhhhhhhh!"

And only then would I betray to her to the nearest Simon Wiesenthal Centre. ;)

Twisted DNA said...

Man that is funny! I thuoght "I am your slave" in any language would do the trick... may be the "praneswar" part killed it :)

@Freespirit:
Have you seen the Russel Peter's show where he talks about "!xobile" name? How un-sex the name is in bed? Hilarious

soum said...

The opening line is brilliant. And the German part is bordering on insanel funny . LOL

lost in translation said...

Wah Jhantu kiya baat hai
Khub jamega time jab mil baithenge saath me
Hum tum aur tumhari desi babe

Anonymous said...

Awesome!

jhantu said...

@ram,soum,anon: hear hear

@cupid: i shall pay for the doc cheque, send me the bill and dont worry

@piyela: khoobsurant singh sounds better

@opinionated: my first ever tag (sniff sniff and reaches for the tissues)

@anand k: dont u know the first rule abt sex with multiple partners. check their medical certificate before hitting the sack and check the date.

@dna: somehow imagesof kajol breaking into a song come up tinro my head if someone sex tgalks with me in hindi/bengali. too much bollywood movie i gues does that to you. Hence the subsequent limp

@lost in transl.. :
baithoge tum
bajaoonga desi babeko hum

sabby said...

No wonder no girl stary with you for than 3 months, what with you writing posts abt them with such regular sarcasm. they are shit scared now i guess to sleep with you ;-)

holy spirit said...

Too much!!
hilarious post

Anonymous said...

"Feff me fu fant foo vee fuvved viffe va vich "

No wonder she got mightily confused.
LOL!!

superficial said...

Making love in German, now thats a new one, especially if you can swear like them pricks. But the best language to make love would be the pommy one.
Absolutely smashing that one eh mate ;-)

Anonymous said...

You are so full of yourself.

jhantu said...

@sabby: dont say that, i have a horrid inferiority complex and the only thing tht keeps me going is the sex. Dont take that away from me.

@holy: Gaaah!

@anon: If waf ze enflif

@superficial: like russel peters would say. what a smashing fuck you are eh mate

@anon: full and big ;-)

Anonymous said...

Too much sir Jhantu, you should start writing a book "Sex-The desi way"

M (tread softly upon) said...

time for the next post jhantu. BTW the "go see me" bit with the mighty jhantu is awesome.

Grafxgurl said...

i though that was the American way!!!

Hiren said...

Great witeup in you inimitable style, Jhantu. One wonders if one can ever get a lady to indulge in dirty talk at length. Rani mukherjee should have taken lessons from you before marrying Abhishek in "Kabhi alvida na kehna"

I think you should enjoy this

Kabhi alvida na kehna. Osho ka kya hai kehna

rainbeau_peep said...

uhm.

oh my god, ohhh, oh god, OH GOD MORE MORE MORE!!!

that was a good laugh, that is.

:-]

Opaline said...

Dirty talk is funny unless you're really tripping on the sex.

anumita said...

This is absolutely hilarious!!!! Great read.

White Magpie said...

hahahahhahahahhaha!!!! mazaa aa gaya..

xombie said...

dude you rock! my problem is i can't even get to talk to the girl i fancy!