Monday, August 28, 2006

Whats your CD-Q (Cool Desi Quotient) Score??


You know you have qualified for the Cool Umrican desi tag when:

(1) You (the guy) can be seen in a crowded choc-a-bloc pub on a scorching summer night wearing your best full-sleeves designer shirt and ball-crushing tight black trousers (preferably leather), sweating like there is no tomorrow, eyeing the babes with a grin that reads "Aint I cool, I shall have all the bitches tonight"

(2) You (the girl) can be seen in a crowded choc-a-bloc pub on a freezing winter night wearing a mini-skirt and a strap that leaves nothing of your thunder thighs to imagination. Often you are accompanied by a gang of atleast 10 other leather-pant sporting cool desi dudes. After a round of drinks the 11 of you proceed to the dance floor. The music is hip-hop and the only way you dance to a hip-hop is to grind your ass on someone's crotch. And you (the girl) have 10 crotches to choose from. Unfortunately for you grinding your mini-skirt laden ass on black leather pants covered crotch will trouble your morning bathroom activities for the coming several days. But you are uber-cool, and not dancing in a disc is sin, a sacrilege you dare not commit. So much to the chagrin and bewilderment of the DJ, the 11 of you bring in the Ring-A-Ring-A-Roses element into hip-hop dancing. No-sweat baby, you croon.

(3) You have been in the US of A for just about a year, but everytime you need to call up that Umrican restaurant to make a reservation you can effortlessly put on that cool twangy Californian nasal accent with a vengence. Unfortunately for you, you're too cool and thus you end up addressing the guy on the phone with the line Whats cooking daawg, and end with the line Thats khoool baby, the matter is compounded by the fact that you are a cool desi babe.

(4) You declare the first non-desi who expresses a crush on you as your soul-mate, it is inconsequential whether the guy is just about as tall as Charlie Chaplin with a non-existant hairline or the girl is usually addressed as Miss.Beanstock. You have a non-desi girl/boy-friend and thats all that matters.

(5) You have been on orkut for years. Once you start dating that non-desi boy/girl he/she gets an invit into orkut from you. Your other ultra-cool-desi friends proceed to scrap him with one liners that read "dulhe raja chamak rahe ho (for non-desis not to be translated, ask your cool desi babe/dude)". Mystified by this sudden onslaught of scraps in your mother-tongue, your non-desi boy/girl friend puts up the heading on his orkut page "trying to learn hindi". A debate then arises as to who is the coolest amongst the two of you.

(6) Umricans like the outdoors and so should you. Thus you go hiking and camping on weekends when the mercury breaks the 100 degree barrier. On coming back from your weekend outdoor adventure, blackened and marooned, you spend a considerable amount of time in front of the mirror (over the next several days) admiring your tan.

(7) Ummricans love a good barbeque and so should you. Unfortunately you have no idea what can be grilled and what cannot be and thus you proceed to try and boil eggs on your barbeque debut. A good egg sandwich is in the waiting for all of you eh mate, you say as your invited cool desi friends nod their heads in the affirmative.


(8) An year ago when you were in India people used to call you Satyakee or at best Satya, but now Californians call you Scottie and Texans call you Sam. The problem arises when you head over to starbucks with another such Indian Sam (origin: Sampad), the confused waitress at the counter finally labels the two of you Sam-1 and Sam-2.

(9) You no longer go to desi restaurants. The food is soo oily and soo spicy you complain. Instead you can be often seen enjoying a delicious American meal at Cracker Barrel. On the same note you can never be seen in an Indian movie, the movies are just too long and those songs and dances what do those bloody indians think --we Ummricans are fools.

(10) Anytime someone sneezes an Ummrican goes Bless you. Not to be left behind the next time you hear someone fart you say bless you. When someone mumbles something incoherently the Ummrican goes Come again. The next time someone lets out an incoherent muffled fart you go Come again.

(11) You come from country that hosts a billion people, but now you are acutely aware of the concept of your own private space. You need a space where you can spend quality time with yourself but much to the disappointment of yours truly spending quality time with yourself doesnt mean letting your hands/fingers or elongated foreign objects work overtime on you. On the same note when you go back to India the first thing that hits you as you come out of the airport is the noise man, India is so damn noisy and there are so many people around, its amazing.


(12) You have heard that wine is a uber-cool drink, and thus you can often be seen asking for a glass of chilled white wine from that bartender in that crowded nightclub. Further you have also seen your Ummrican friends keeping wine bottles in their freezers, that must be fashionable you wonder. But not only are you ultra-cool but you are ultra-cheap to boot as well, and thus proceed to buy $8 wine bottles by the dozen from Walmart. You then teach your uncool desi friend invited for dinner to your house how you must wash down a good dinner with good wine every night to stay in good health.

(13) After a night of cool-desi-babe style partying you are stopped on the road by that damn cop on a DUI (Driving under Influence) offense. You proceed to wiggle out of that supposed tricky situation by hitting on the cop and letting your cool desi charms work its magic on him. A few days later, your uncool desi friend tries the same stunt on that same cop, unfortunately for her she spends the next few days in the jail-house. She lacked my cool, you croon.

28 comments:

ria said...

My CD-Q is pretty low it seems.

La vida Loca said...

More..
1.you say shoot instead of shit
2.you appear to love Ummrica (as you say) but criticize your white peers and culture to no end.
3.your solo aim on a weekend is to bed a white chick (white only)
4.you call every desi who doesnt care for hindi movies- americanised

Anonymous said...

welcome back

M (tread softly upon) said...

Hey you left out your score....

dasgupta.tathagata said...

sabas kaka ...apni to level diyechen dekchi, ami kolkatattei thaki ... apnar lekha pore fultu mosti pelum.
Apni Stanford e ki poren .... cs bolle dhip kore pennam ..

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

Satya da,you deserve a bow! Take it!

Ekta said...

hahah
This list was hilarious!

OrangeJammies said...

Hell, my CD-Q hit rock bottom..lol!
But I know at least one desi in each of those behavioral categories you described...and in one case, there's a woman who does it all!

d'yer mak'er said...

Bless you on a fart :))

sounds more like the harold and kumar quotient !!!

Anonymous said...

amazing dude.....tho dont let the humour take away the underlying sadness of 22 yr olds trying to fit in and get a life having left life as they knew it and people they loved back in india....but awesome post man :-)) was LMAOing

starry nights said...

Hey Jhantu..my CD-Q is pretty low. I loved #10 though it was the funniest.I think I have come across atlest one desi who thinks he/she is umrican in atleast each of those categories.thanks for making me laugh.:)

Nautilus said...

Let me complete the number 6 scenario:

Umricans like the outdoors and so should you. Thus you go hiking and camping on weekends when the mercury breaks the 100 degree barrier. On coming back from your weekend outdoor adventure, blackened and marooned, you spend a considerable amount of time in front of the mirror (over the next several days) applying liberal amounts of Fair&Lovely you bought from the Indian store when you thought nobody was looking!

Aditi said...

Hahah that is funny.. i used to know someone who after a 2 years in america introduced herself as Srudie instead of shruti.. claiming it was easier for others to pronounce.. wtf?

rainbeau_peep said...

Hain, kintu, Scottie? Really? Sounds like a loyal sheepdog, na?
But hey .. uhm .. no sweat ... homie, izza awl de khoo stuff maaan.
iye. oi holo.

Chilla-Bong said...

Boy your observation power and elaboration style never fails to amaze me.I guess sometimes our Desi bros and sisters outdo the Americans in their American-ness.On the brighter side,may be after few years we'll be enriching the Amercian vocabulary like we did with the Queen's English on the other side of Atlantic.

Anonymous said...

Lol .. This is so hilarious ... i would say 90 % of that shit is true .. Lol ...

Amit Singh said...

Satya....great post...i`ve met all of those kinds... "bless u " thing is so true... i hate when people say that to me esp. desis...

Sudha said...

lol!

how about - its not cool to eat with your hands anymore. so you eat everything from californian thin crust pizza to ham subs to home made egg grill sandwiches with a knife and fork.

Hiren said...

Very comprehensive. It should be cool desi hot babe quotient.

anumita said...

We have some here who acquire an accent when the plane passes over their house!

ichatteralot said...

thats a LOT of analysis!

Sue said...

I wonder what my NRI cousins would make of this?

Anonymous said...

awesome post man .. paant kholo ab!!

White Magpie said...

LoL

Anonymous said...

oye bhosad chod, ispe aur kuch bhi daal

WishfulThinker said...

Kya hua bhai? Blogger's Block is it? ;)

Nautilus said...

Has Jhantu been lynched by uncool desis?

Nadim said...

you r so sick man!lol! was funny... lekin ek do point kuch jyada hi hogaye... i have seen atleast .....hmmm... 4-5 of the 'qualities' yu have mentioned... thers actually my roomie hu does a lota 'come again' thingy !! its so bloody irritating!! btw... we do go out a lot! i do! smtimes on really scorching days! it just happens... we dnt plan to get our asses grilled but summer is when v hav sm free time... so to b on safer side v choose river basins nd spillways etc, nd dnt telme yu r not used 100F in india!!