Monday, October 23, 2006

Girl power-- Jai Maa Kali, Kalkattewali

Do any of you guys (and of course the beautiful ladies) remember that great Indian super-hero named Shahenshah? Any bells ringing?? C'mon people its that stupid comic cop by day and a deadly one man protector of the innocent and defenseless by night, wearing a platinum made arm guard that could stop a bullet and a mortar round with equal ease. Hes the one who would mouth that famous line:

Rishtey me to hum tumhare baap lagte hai, naam hai shahenshah

And had his own personal background music which would play every-night when he started his rounds of the streets of Bombay in search of Amrish Puri and his goons that would go:

Andheri raaton me, sunsaan raho par
Har Zulm mitane ko
Ek messiah nikalta hai
Jise log Shahenshah kehte hai

And now maybe a decade and a half or maybe more, after we last heard of that great Indian superhero, he is back again . But this time with a twist. He is back in a female avtaar(s), patroling the streets of our nation's capital and my home town conducting that dreaded "Noodle Strap" Test with the background music going:

Andheri raaton me, sunsaan raho par
Micro-mini pehnane ko
Kahi bandiyan nikalte hai
Jinhe log
Blank noise kehte hai

She stalks the streets of Delhi by the wee hours of the night, wearing body hugging outfits looking for males who dare to even look up at this astonishing sight of a bunch of super-hero she-shahnshahs walking past them in the middle of the night wearing something like a wonder-woman outfit. And any of those poor fuckass, dickhead males who dare to look up is swiftly brought to justice by being reported to that new-age LEAGUE OF JUSTICE by and for the SUPER-HERO FEMALES. Justice is swift, justice is efficient-- the league warns. For my dear old home-town the league has even sterner patroling rules. Agent Jane Smith of the league goes to a street, that would put a damn fish market to shame, in the middle of the afternoon, sashays past a male-beggar in a noodle top and ass hugging jeans (the beggar by the way in all probability has never ever seen any kind of display of any degree of any fair skin in his whole life, agent Smith sashaying by him is therefore equivalent to a girl sashaying on streets of houston in a G-string) and when the beggar looks up from his bowl with the first-in-my-lifetime-sight-for-me-lady look agent smith marks her out for justice.

I, however unlike most of those males who have been brought to justice by this new super-hero female league, am completely smitten by them. These new age she -shahenshahs you see arent a protector of the innocent or the defenseless. They arent worried about issues like child marriage or the plight of that poor muslim woman in the best bakery case, or the plight of dance girls in mumbai's chamiya bars (female-dance-bars) once those closed down. Hell they arent even bothered one bit about the inhuman conditions that exist in Calcutta biggest brothel, Sonagachi. Defending or writing 200 word newspaper articles on these issues lack that cool USP quotient after all. Agent Smith doesnt take up these mundane asignments. Fuck bitch this wont even get me any fodder for my hugely popular desi blog: "the desi-wannabe-feminist-ogre.blogspot", she would complain to the CEO of the justice-league.

Instead, the new age league are the defenders of the sphagetti top, the noodle strap top, the micro mini, the sleeveless kurta worn without a dupatta, the tank top, the hot pants, the body hugging outfit, to be more precise the right to wear them. Their tagline/USP reads :

Inside every salwar kurta-clad woman is another wanting to wear a noodle-strap top.
And by sweet mother mary (note not jesus, jesus is male, the female super-league is strictly prohibited to swear via the male gender) we shall make them wear those.

You see what I mean right. This bunch is exactly my kind of a super-female bunch. What better than to have Indian lassies of all ages , the 20s, the 30s, the aunties, marching around in micro-minis, albeit with mis-shapen asses and thunder-thighs. For starters it would perhaps help to elevate by atleast one standard deviation the abysmally low sexual expression capabilities of the Indian metro-female.

Female liberation has finally entered the new millenium. Gone are the days of BRA-BURNING and enter are the days of the LETS DRESS UP AUNTIE IN MICRO-MINIS. And I for one am really looking forward to visiting Calcutta in a couple of months time. After all micro-mini wearing aunties hopping off that mini-bus would be a great spectacle if nothing else. Though I must warn the league, my mom would take some work before she comes around!!


anon-x said...

too good boss!!

Aditi said...

While it was funnily written, I didnt agree.
Eve teasing is a serious problem in India. Granted some of the issues u mentioned are more socially relevant, but eve teasing affects far greater amounts of women usually on a daily basis.
It doesnt deter the groper whether she is wearing jeans and a spaghetti strap top or a salwar kameez he still gropes. and its not funny!

girl with hands said...

Very funnily written as always , but are u siding with the eve-teasers??
If yes then i shall have you for dinner.

ria said...

U will be up for some flak, be prepared, retribution will be "swift", will be "efficient"

Chilla-Bong said...

Jhantu,now be ready for the retribution.Thank you for the Shaheneshah comparison. Chilla's strong box-office prediction sense tells that this female avatar will certainly be another BO failure, despite the micro-mini element of SAAAX.The script lacks a strong and balanced storyline u c ;)

Hiren said...

Uniquely expressed as ususal especially the bit about salwar kameez and auntie.

As for "it would perhaps help to elevate by atleast one standard deviation the abysmally low sexual expression capabilities of the Indian metro-female.". In most cases in India, there would be no deviation at all and it is for such people that I was advocating on line education on my post. You seem to have a knack of talking about it well but everybody is not like that. The computer can demonstrate as well; we are a long way from live demos in Indian society.hehe.

sau said...

Heee Heee Heee, too much sweet mother mary.

Amit said...

i hope you won`t be their victim when ur in kolkata. with ur unscrupulous persona and depraved mind..they will get you chothu !

Twisted DNA said...

I hope Desi girls in bay area start wearing more noodle straps too :)

Looks like you are gonna get into trouble for seemingly siding with eve-teasers. Aren't you glad that you never gave your real name out, Satya?

M (tread softly upon) said...

LOL this reminds of something I heard once about the sleeveless genji clad females (no not as bold as noodle straps). They were touted sando-mashi (from sando genji wearing mashimas):))

jhantu said...

@aditi. dna, ria: the object wasnt to support or side with eve-teasers, the object was to ridicule this absurd procession of noodle strapped females parading the streets under the charade of female equality/liberation rights.

@girl with hands: i am usually unpalatable, but u can try, dinner would be better.

@chilla-bong: i shall agree with u, girls lost their screws completely this time

@hiren: hmmm

@M: lets tout this bunch noodle-didis

starry nights said... are not an eve teaser are you. I thought you loved the eve's and was there to protect the species.what would Jhantu do without an eve? Bty I thought this line was very funny"LETS DRESS UP AUNTIE IN MICRO-MINIS." Just got a mental picture.

jhantu said...

@starry: again as previously stated, this post wasnt meant to side with the eve-teasers instead it was meant to ridicule and lambast to the furthest the stupendous "protest march" organized by blank noise and its likes..
the eves as always stay very close to jhantu's heart, if not as protector then definitely as entertainer ;-)

Nautilus said...

Seriously dude, sounded like you're siding with the eve-teasers! Even though I gasp at the fashion sense of some desi aunties, but thats not an excuse for sick men to paw at women!

Usually I guffaw at your most risque jokes...but this time...sorry :-(

Sumita said...

This is the first time at least someone is protesting about eve-teasing. I don't care if that's in noodle strap or not, but at least its a start. Eve teasing in India is really really grave in India and have taken uglier forms. Even Aunties are excited. One lady told me about how her experience about being in wonded in an accident and was eve-teased badly instead of taken to hospital. I can tell you numerous incidents like this incuding acid throws. I understand you just intended to make fun of the method, but that's showing absolutely no understanding here. Also, as far as I see BNP's theme is to say that no girl asks for eve-teasing as so often made out to be. Girls are eve-teased wearing decent of clothes by most unexpected (and sick) people. And it happens to ladies of all age. Looks like you are siding these middle-aged gropers , or young acid throwers ? Does you r eves know about this post of yours ?

Blinkdreamz said...

Criticising is so easy...and you're not alone, you're not special, you're so ordinary. You could've suggested some better means of dealing specifically with eve-teasing (and not betterment of women), which Blank Noise is trying to do, than condescendingly criticise the methods of those who're at least trying some ways which they think are right. They're much ahead of you in class and deed. I'm not sorry for what I said. I'm just hoping that you can use your intelligence to help a cause than to discourage it. And I'm sure, even without your help, those girls will keep trying, and you can keep ranting.

jhantu said...

@sumita: before the knee-jerk reaction u might have read thorugh my answers to previous comments on the same line. Btw im not exactly sure how bnp's thingie would help in tackling this issue, pray elucidate, apart from he fact that it smells like a lousy publicity stunt.

@blinkdreamz: i do not attempt constructive criticism in my blog, but i do ridicule ludicrous acts of feminism.
And what wil "those girls" keep "trying" about???

Sumita said...

As far as I can see BNP is to create awareness that is an acute problem in India and pressurize the authority to take step and to enforce existing laws. Their method may not be perfect, but at least BNP is trying to do something. You probably have no idea how difficult it is to walk in the streets of India wearing even the most decent clothes...its also so humiliating for parents to see their daughters being treated this way right in front of their ideas. The situation is so bad that a girl is sometimes arrested for retaliating back ( case of the sportwoman being eve-teased), rather than the eve-teasers.

If everyone is going to close their eyes and make comments like you, then situation will get bad to worse. If you think it is just a publicity stunt, then your views are the similar to that of Musharaf when Mukhtaran Bibi tried to take actions against her rapists..that was the exact thing he said. But because of the awareness she created the criminals are in jail due to international pressure. I do not know if there is even one girl in India who has not been eve-teased ? It's worse if she is poor. Don't they deserve better ? I understand you were trying to be funny, most of your posts are...but this, this is totally tasteless and insensitive. If you don't understand now, probably due to lack of experience (or probably you are of the leerers...), you'll surely hear something about it in future from some near and dear ladies in your life, if in India.

hedonistic hobo said...

ok admittedly their greater goal to liberate salwar kameez clad women reeks of class elitism but for the most part they aren't fighting for noodle straps and blah blah. they're fighting for a woman's right to just be on the streets of delhi and believe you me walking through the streets, taking a bus, just waiting at the pvr ticket counter till your friends turn up is a fucking painful experience. and those madar chodhi choochiyas who turn the sideview mirror inwards in the autos........... &^%$$#$@~$#@%%%^^# ..........boss if i got a dollar for every gaandu i yelled at in delhi i'd be a billionairess! but i didn't get that dollar no? i just got another leery motherfucker across the street looking straight at me while scratching his balls. and why do all indian men scratch their balls so much yaar? ki gall haegi!?! is it some endemic venereal disease ? eve-teasing. the only reason why i loathe delhi males. and females. everyone who is complicit in edifying this culture of crude through either active participation or tacit silence. even kiran bedi came to college once and spewed bullshit about provocative dressing. i see no difference between her softly packaged vies and the mullah who shot his mouth off in australia. that comment he made about uncovered meat and hijabs and blah blah and how women are responsible for the sexual harassment that befalls them.
how many gaandus in this world!?!

but yeah, BNP will achieve not much because beating up these people or shaming them isn't going to achieve much when the social mindset is one entrenched with deep-set retrograde patriarchal values. dheere dheere par tab tak laaton ke bhoot ko laaton se hi sikhana padega na?

and jhantu....dude....why do you call yourself jhantu dude?!!?

hedonistic hobo said...

coz jhant in hindi mean those little curlies down there.

La vida Loca said...

Duuude!!! :D

jhantu said...

If you think it is just a publicity stunt, then your views are the similar to that of Musharaf when Mukhtaran Bibi tried to take actions against her rapists..that was the exact thing he said.

Errr rape and midnight parades dont quite mish-mash well dont u think ;-)

@hobo: im all up for the beating up idea, but parades, somehow they remind me of glorified floats sashaying down SFO downtown on halloween night like a very cheap publicity stunt. Love ur colorful vocab though.

@hobo: for etymology related to that name jhantu, refer to this

@la vida loca: Duudette!!!

freespirit said...

Y don't you get a bunch of guys to wear noodle straps and walk the dark alleys at midnight? Maybe the BNP gals will whistle at you chaps? ;)

Anonymous said...

Any guy "obsessed with porn" can never be a friend of the eves. He is firmly on the side of eve-teasers.

Sumita said...

You again miss the point... Let me break it down for you:

Cause: To stop eve teasing, stalking (heard about Mattoo case ?),molestation. Extreme cases that these lead to: Rape and murder.

Response: Activity building up some damned awareness ( one such activity BNP did was to walk the street with no fear (for which only handfull wore spaghetti, and thats all some people can see amongst aaalll activities they did :)) ), or sueing in court (sue whom for 20 years ??).

Negative response: ( reverse activity: 1.sleazy response like in your blog or in sleazetimes a.k.a timesofindia. 2. Trying to repress like as in Musharaf ).

So when respond by 'Errr rape and midnight parades dont quite mish-mash well dont u think ;-)' you are completely mixing up 'the cause' and 'the response'.

Where is your logic dude ???

drops of jupiter said...

Yeah.. not funny at all.

hedonistic hobo said...

jhant, u can make up any etymology does not deter from the fact that in hindi your name means pubic hair.

sakshi said...

petabo meye meye kore sudhu

meena said...

Go ahead guys read the latest post of in BNP:

I am sure, Jhantu and the rest of the guys who thought this post was funny will also find this very titillating and arousing, eh?....even though some of the the victims are mere kids (aged 7-53 or so)...but so what ? Girl power...blah blah. Hey girls, we are just supposed shut ourselves and do NOTHING. And the guys here, who laugh with Jhant, are the same ones who laugh or turns a blind eye when a girl trys to shout at her eve-teasers or molester. I wish I could wish that may these things happen to their mothers as well, and I would see how they could sit quietly sucking their thumbs and utter girl power etc., but my upbringing tells me not to wish so I won't.

Now go that article and enjoy , you bunch of sickos.

Rapid I Movement said...

At the end of the day, I must agree that no one but you could have the balls to take these supremely fearsome she-warriors head on:)
Goddam brilliant title and goddam brilliant post.

M (tread softly upon) said...

since you moved your posting has been at a minimum :( Or should we lay blame on the person who had her hands featured on your blog?

MellowDrama said...

haha that was a riot but honesly eve-teasing is a pain in the posterior - having spent a large chunk of my life in Delhi. I used to carry a kitchen knife with me....:) Oh it did the trick, eve-teasers are nearly always chicken shit.