Monday, July 31, 2006

The vagaries of the Indian alpha male -- once again

Disclaimer: This post is dedicated to me mom and her quest to find me my Princess Lela (OH yes like Ross I fantasize about a whp sporting gold bra wearing princess LeLa telling me "Have you been a naughty boy , do you need a spanking" )

Have you even been bowling? Im sure you have. Have you noticed how those pins on the bowling rack start to tumble as soon as a well directed 9 pounder stream-rolls into them? Again Im sure you have. But this bit however is not about the finer points of bowling, on the contrary this is a Shakesperean metaphoric literary-gem-written-all-over-it attempt on my part to draw a mightily obvious parallel between those tumbling pins and the tumbling 27 year old desi alpha male. Hopelessly tumbling and falling apart in the face of that dreaded once in a lifetime death plunge (hopefully its once but who knows) a.k.a marriage, a.k.a (

There is something about the indian male brain that goes ballistic as soon as they get near that 26-27 time frame. Its as if a bomb goes off in their heads and the fallout of that explosion screams "seriously dude u need a her in your life".

Ive personally spent hours and hours of paid/unpaid research time trying to figure out this problem with the indian male-brain, which mind you would have had uncles albert and freud tearing thier hair and beard off respectively. And then suddenly -WHAM!!! I had it, a flash of brilliance, a beautiful mind suddenly seeing all the patterns falling into place amidst the chaos, pages and pages of equations and theorems and lemmas and what not pouring out and the whole train of my mind-boggling discovery racing at supersonic speed towards Q.E.D. The truth is out there and Im almost there too. Three letters, three mere innocent alphabets that make up a powerful word and that word is the solution. S-E-X. Thats it, now i know why the regal desi alpha male tumbles, now i know why the indian male takes the death plunge come what may, now i know.

It has to be S-E-X, the complete lack of it I mean. All those sex-lack-terones trapped inside the desi alpha-male body for 27 long years itching to get out, all those hours and days and months and years spent checking out the booty on your next-door-beauty, the countless hours spent in front of the comp screen with jenna jameson performing like a suction pump on your alter-ego, the onscreen male porn star, the stories you've heard about good old ummrica where guys get it going from age 16.

Damn it but what about you?

You, the alpha-male from the land that gave the world the kamasutras, you have been oppressed for too long. For too long you have been deprived of your rightful kaam-legacy. For too long your libido has been screaming Mera number kab aayega (When will my time come for fuck's sake). For too long you've been paying for dinner for that god damn girl you have wet dreams about, and even after countless dinners and lunches and brunches and what not first base is still an alien concept to you, for too long you've been bragging to your other desi alpha males Mann I scored, she was reacing for her purse, but but but (saliva drooling part this is) I reached out towards her purse and clamped it shut with the words Let me pay and OH MY SWEET FUCKING LORD my pinkie actually brushed against her nails. I am on mu way to a physical relation yaarr before proceeding to the comforts of your bathroom to relieve yourself of a pinkie driven hard rock between your pants.

For pete's sake, all the fucking action that you've ever seen in your life are your own hands working overtime on you.

But fear not dickhead your time is now. Because you have finally spoken, spoken to your mom and your pishis and your mashis and your kakimas and your didis and your didimas (translation for non-bong folks: all possible female members in your family). You have said those words which would set you free from your hands. You are now 27 and so you say:

Arrange my marriage mom.

You will now show the world, well not the world but the one unfortunate drop-dead beauty that your mom has found for you, that yes you have your long forgotten sex-craving forefathers' legendary love-making skills. You will now show her all those moves that you've mastered in the eeerie calm of your bathroom. You will redefine the Wham Bam thank you mam concept as Wham Bam I dont what happened but I definitely came in two minutes flat. You are Don-Juan-De-Marco, you are Cassanova, you are Romeo, You are James Bond, all rolled into one. And atlong last you are now 27. The force is finally with you and the sex is just around the corner. That holy desi venus trap is about to be yours. Godspeed.

Another fucking disclaimer: This is an ex-post, that got deleted somehow.


orkuts said...


ria said...

Gospeed indeed, but what if the wife refuses sex, what if she gets shit scared and starts crying when you go for the WHAM?? What then??Back to square one again?????

superficial said...

Oh how Jhantu fears the indian marriage setup. Poor you, want to go visit mama docie sweetie

Sribharath said...

Awesome post man!

blindederos said...

The male, the stupid male, the spineless indian male, what a wonderful specie they are.

Anonymous said...

You have a princess Lela fantasy, cmon man you can have better fantasies than this one.

Anonymous said...

In hindsight Lela is good

Anonymous said...

//Disclaimer: This post is dedicated to me mom and her quest to find me my Princess Lela

Ain't it Princess Leia and not Princess Lela

Anonymous said...

stanford and porn, what a wierd combination buddy! me being an erotic intellectual like you, feels happy that there's another person out there.

jhantu said...

@anon: LeLa is LeIa's desi version

@anon: not that interesting these days dude