Monday, July 24, 2006

When a desi-arranged-marriaged couple do IT the first time


Dislaimer: The situations, scenarios, characters discussed in this post deal with my good old desi (Indian and no not the cool West-Indian but the uncool subcontinent-Indian) tribe. Non-desis are recommended to click the 'X' button.

Arranged marriage (AM) is a wonderful thing. I mean seriously it really is. And if you are a girl/boy, reasonably good looking, and if you have that "I have done my degree from the US of A and I earn in dollars and I drive a 2006 Toyotal Corrola, the world's best selling car" tag, then as my favourite aunt says "We shall reject atleast 20 girls before we select that mallika sherawat- boobed, kajol-lipped, preti zinta-haired, bipasha basu-bodied, madam curie-brained princess for you Jhantu". And Im sure that you will agree when I say that fuck man this offer is too good and bloody enticing as well. I mean not only will my wife solve my research related differential equations in a jiffy ala madam curie, but she will be doing that wearing a skimpy booby-baring bikini ala Mallika. Just letting my mind wander and picturing my AM-ed wife working on PDEs in a black thong turns me on no end.

So AM is a win-win situation I hear you say. And I would agree with you, except for one small teeny-tiny thing that keeps on creating an itch at the back of my head. Sucker for bloody small details you are I hear you say. But hey hear me out on this one will you. I have always wondered you know, how do AM-ed couples start doing IT (the fucking I mean dickheads) the first time. And I am sorry to say I havent as of yet found a satisfactory answer to this what now seems a never-ending quest of mine.

When you have been seeing somene then ,you know, the thing builds up gradually (assuming of course you arent in a hurry to head straight for the venice trap as I am). There are those initial hand-holdings, then those kisses, then those make-out sessions, those groping, those fingering, perhaps a blow-job or two if you are really lucky, and finally after beating around the bush for what usually seems like an eternity you hit the bulls eye. And when you are on your way to hitting the bulls eye your physical comfort level with your partner is hopefully pretty high and both of you are pretty comfortable with hitting the bull's eye. Good

But now take a U turn and for a moment think about an AM-ed couple. Start with the Suhaag raat. This is the first night when you are legally cleared to copulate. So after enduring the absolute torture that is an Indian marriage ceremony you get into that special room with your wife, both of you decked up like theres no tomorrow, and then see that flower-petal decorated copulating-bed majestically occupying 70% of the room.

What do you do???

The groom wonders: Hmm, I am horny no doubt but will it be polite to fuck her the first night? And I havent really slept with a girl before in my life, but I might just be able to pull it off. I have watched a million porn movies after all.

The bride wonders: Hmm does he want to do IT with me tonight. Ill be turning 27 tomorrow and if I dont do it tonight, I will branded as a 27 year old virgin. Not good. Sheela did say she didnt really feel or understand much, the room was too dark and before she knew what was happening Som (Sheela's husband) was through with whatever they were supposes to do.

On top of that they both are confounded with the problem who the fuck is going to make the first move. Will it be the groom with his cool desi-pick up move (you know that Hiee babby, wanna dhance withh mee man, uttered in that ultra-cool Indian AMerican mindblowing accent) which he has been practising with alarming regularity at his local US night-club, much to the alarm of the girls who frequent the joint. Or will it be the bride who suddenly decides to do an impromptu strip tease for her newly wed husband, slowly and even more slowly and painfully taking off her 20 kg saree while leaving her 30 kg worth of jewels on ( and not because it would be damn sexy to see a girl naked wearing just jewellery but its gonna take the whole fucking night to take her jewellery off) ??

Anyway Lets for the sake of arguement assume that somehow, by some means, our AM-ed bride and groom make their way to the bulls-eye stage, fully clothed still mind you, the undressing is a major mental block that would be dealt with later by them. Now the first thing I do before having sex is get my plastics out (I dont want to end up suddenly paying a bulk of money to a god-damn abortion clinicyou see). But does our groom carry plastics in his meant-for-shaadi-kurta pockets??? Or is the bride on pills. Damn it now we have extremely horny groom with a rock-solid hard on making its presence felt firmly and we have a bride who is slightly confused, slightly turned on and not sure what to do. And its not that the groom and the bride can engage in oral sex the first night as well. Oral sex is dirty, it is against the moral fabric of us desis. And on the first night... OOHH NOO WE NEVER DO THAT.

But never mind, we Indians are past-masters at making adjustments. And so our bride and groom will happily adjust to this precarious horny situation too. You know what we have a long day tomorrow meeting each and every relative of your family or mine and its best that we take some rest and get some sleep. You are right, goodnight. And thus the groom turns on his side of the bed, his hand reaching and then restly lightly on his hard on, just as it has for the past 27 years, while our bride closes our eyes and dreams of Karan Johar and SRK style suhaag raats where SRK and Kajol break into a beautifully tuned song every time they are supposed to have sex.

And then they live happily ever after, singing love duets to each other and living the Indian dream in the US of A. But what about the sex?? OHH screw that --- the sex and the passion is anyway supposed to die out faster than you can say Pop goes the weasel. But love duets, now thats everlasting isnt it??

I love happy endings.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious, this blog is getting funnier day by day.. OMG, thanks for the great laugh

chimes said...

funny stuff jhantu..!
and hey did you write the cartoon? do you want a graphology reading? almost as good as a psychic reading but without the channeling. the varying slants from left to right to vertical indicate changing emotional states. and your "d"s indicate a thing for the past. i dunno, i dunno... almost made it into durga mode. sorry about last night.
cheers,
c

ambrosia said...

I fell off my chair laughing. Had to let you know the first reaction :-)

It is such a comical situation when you write about it..... 20 kg saree + 30 kg jewellery + (say) 57 kg of her own.... that makes it a whopping------- WOW!!!

Indeed a happy ending! There will always be a tomorrow minus 50 kg of junk!

M (tread softly upon) said...

I think I have to stop reading your blog at work. I haven't been able to stop laughing. Yet. You're good. Brilliant!

holy spirit said...

Is this your own personal experience!!
But either way it was awesome

bobby finstock said...

mallika-boobed madam curie-brained.. this is too much.. i burst into fits reading this

jhantu said...

@anon: laughing at some poor AM-ed couple's utter misery... BOOOOO to you for that

@chimes: nopes

@ambrosia: that makes it close to a 100 kgs, now if ur a bong u wld know that the brids's brothers have to lift her up to a height of atleast 6 ft, forget the groom think abt the brothers' plight..

@m: OH no i dont want to lose a regular reader, close ur office door, make sure the eavesdropping bugs are turned off and then the laughter flow!!

@holy spirit: i am single ready to mingle (un)fortunately

K the canadian said...

I am a non-desi and i didnt click the 'X' button, and thank god I didnt, I laughed my heart out.

Oh and I read the post about me too, wonderful.

AM-ed said...

shaadi.com should hire you as their resident "AM" expert. And you should definitely think about taking this sex counselling as a full time career.

Anonymous said...

Super fummy post man

ria said...

So does this mean that you are being set up, incase you are I pity the bride ;-) and Imsure there wont be any problem on the suhaag raat as to who makes the first move ;-)

orkuts said...

the cartoon was probably better than the post. but extrenely aptly written though, and as always super sex-humor

jhantu said...

@K the canadian: see K not just the desi girls but even the desi guys are fucking bitches and gossip mongers

@AM-ed:do u know how can i send in my resume??

@anon: thank you

@ria: mums the word for me

@orkut: hmm, say good things about me in my comment space, its good for my ego

Dreamcatcher said...

Hillarious. Did some AM couple tell you of their experience? :P

Sribharath said...

Hilarious man!!

The best thing was the cartoon.

Danke for the laugh!

sakshi said...

damn silly and stupid

jhantu said...

@dreamcatche: unfortunately the AM couples being the quintessec=ntial desi couple refuse to share their wonderful experience with me.. bad naa i know

@sribharath: thanks man

@sakshi: why????

bharti said...

So Sanjay and Rashmi and Sheetal and Som lived happily ever after singing love duets..
God bless their desi love souls. I too love happy endings

sapna said...

Ahh the vagaries, and you make fun of it, shame on you.

soum said...

Super funny post. Thanks for the huge laugh

Anonymous said...

very stupid. dude, you need a life, there is a lot more to it than sex.

jhantu said...

@bharti: welcome to the "I loove" club

@sapna: besharaam , shameless, horribly mean

@soum: thanks

@anon: i dont have a life, i dont plan to get one, im a loser, and i dream about sex all day, well what to do thats just me.

holy spirit said...

Is this persnal trauma being highlighted through this post?? Or is this second hand experience??
Either way Im scared now

rajeev said...

Thanks for the laugh man. It was great and the piss off so post, hmm i feel for you.

wisemoron said...

Shucks mann!! You just wasted my choco powder. How unfortunate that I was holding it open while reading the damn post. By the middle of it I had choco powder all over me. Damn hilarious post.

sup said...

love duets at the moment of sex, awesome, u and russel peters should team up will make wonderful comedy

Anonymous said...

satya dada this one is just awesome...

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Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP » »

Subramanian said...

BEST PART ----> "picturing my AM-ed wife working on PDEs in a black thong turns me on no end."