Monday, July 24, 2006
When a desi-arranged-marriaged couple do IT the first time
Dislaimer: The situations, scenarios, characters discussed in this post deal with my good old desi (Indian and no not the cool West-Indian but the uncool subcontinent-Indian) tribe. Non-desis are recommended to click the 'X' button.
Arranged marriage (AM) is a wonderful thing. I mean seriously it really is. And if you are a girl/boy, reasonably good looking, and if you have that "I have done my degree from the US of A and I earn in dollars and I drive a 2006 Toyotal Corrola, the world's best selling car" tag, then as my favourite aunt says "We shall reject atleast 20 girls before we select that mallika sherawat- boobed, kajol-lipped, preti zinta-haired, bipasha basu-bodied, madam curie-brained princess for you Jhantu". And Im sure that you will agree when I say that fuck man this offer is too good and bloody enticing as well. I mean not only will my wife solve my research related differential equations in a jiffy ala madam curie, but she will be doing that wearing a skimpy booby-baring bikini ala Mallika. Just letting my mind wander and picturing my AM-ed wife working on PDEs in a black thong turns me on no end.
So AM is a win-win situation I hear you say. And I would agree with you, except for one small teeny-tiny thing that keeps on creating an itch at the back of my head. Sucker for bloody small details you are I hear you say. But hey hear me out on this one will you. I have always wondered you know, how do AM-ed couples start doing IT (the fucking I mean dickheads) the first time. And I am sorry to say I havent as of yet found a satisfactory answer to this what now seems a never-ending quest of mine.
When you have been seeing somene then ,you know, the thing builds up gradually (assuming of course you arent in a hurry to head straight for the venice trap as I am). There are those initial hand-holdings, then those kisses, then those make-out sessions, those groping, those fingering, perhaps a blow-job or two if you are really lucky, and finally after beating around the bush for what usually seems like an eternity you hit the bulls eye. And when you are on your way to hitting the bulls eye your physical comfort level with your partner is hopefully pretty high and both of you are pretty comfortable with hitting the bull's eye. Good
But now take a U turn and for a moment think about an AM-ed couple. Start with the Suhaag raat. This is the first night when you are legally cleared to copulate. So after enduring the absolute torture that is an Indian marriage ceremony you get into that special room with your wife, both of you decked up like theres no tomorrow, and then see that flower-petal decorated copulating-bed majestically occupying 70% of the room.
What do you do???
The groom wonders: Hmm, I am horny no doubt but will it be polite to fuck her the first night? And I havent really slept with a girl before in my life, but I might just be able to pull it off. I have watched a million porn movies after all.
The bride wonders: Hmm does he want to do IT with me tonight. Ill be turning 27 tomorrow and if I dont do it tonight, I will branded as a 27 year old virgin. Not good. Sheela did say she didnt really feel or understand much, the room was too dark and before she knew what was happening Som (Sheela's husband) was through with whatever they were supposes to do.
On top of that they both are confounded with the problem who the fuck is going to make the first move. Will it be the groom with his cool desi-pick up move (you know that Hiee babby, wanna dhance withh mee man, uttered in that ultra-cool Indian AMerican mindblowing accent) which he has been practising with alarming regularity at his local US night-club, much to the alarm of the girls who frequent the joint. Or will it be the bride who suddenly decides to do an impromptu strip tease for her newly wed husband, slowly and even more slowly and painfully taking off her 20 kg saree while leaving her 30 kg worth of jewels on ( and not because it would be damn sexy to see a girl naked wearing just jewellery but its gonna take the whole fucking night to take her jewellery off) ??
Anyway Lets for the sake of arguement assume that somehow, by some means, our AM-ed bride and groom make their way to the bulls-eye stage, fully clothed still mind you, the undressing is a major mental block that would be dealt with later by them. Now the first thing I do before having sex is get my plastics out (I dont want to end up suddenly paying a bulk of money to a god-damn abortion clinicyou see). But does our groom carry plastics in his meant-for-shaadi-kurta pockets??? Or is the bride on pills. Damn it now we have extremely horny groom with a rock-solid hard on making its presence felt firmly and we have a bride who is slightly confused, slightly turned on and not sure what to do. And its not that the groom and the bride can engage in oral sex the first night as well. Oral sex is dirty, it is against the moral fabric of us desis. And on the first night... OOHH NOO WE NEVER DO THAT.
But never mind, we Indians are past-masters at making adjustments. And so our bride and groom will happily adjust to this precarious horny situation too. You know what we have a long day tomorrow meeting each and every relative of your family or mine and its best that we take some rest and get some sleep. You are right, goodnight. And thus the groom turns on his side of the bed, his hand reaching and then restly lightly on his hard on, just as it has for the past 27 years, while our bride closes our eyes and dreams of Karan Johar and SRK style suhaag raats where SRK and Kajol break into a beautifully tuned song every time they are supposed to have sex.
And then they live happily ever after, singing love duets to each other and living the Indian dream in the US of A. But what about the sex?? OHH screw that --- the sex and the passion is anyway supposed to die out faster than you can say Pop goes the weasel. But love duets, now thats everlasting isnt it??
I love happy endings.