Saturday, May 13, 2006

Beating the drug test


Pointer: I am up for my drug test in just about a week's time and my veins are infested with nasty chemicals at the moment. People in similar situations will find this post useful. Also feel free to add your suggestions.

The Usual suspects:

1. Drink plenty of fluids. Remember water wont dissolve the THC concentration from years of stoning it will only dilute it.

2. Urinate and prespire a lot. Diuretics make people urinate frequently. Coffee, cranberry juice, beer, iced tea, herbal tea, and Pepsi are all good diuretics. Cranberry juice is the cheapest.

3. On the morning of the test empty the cooler of water.

4. Don't give urine from your first urination of the day. It's the dirtiest, and can be heavily filled with metabolites. Urinate a couple of times before giving a test sample. Also, don't give the beginning or end of the stream. Piss in the toilet, then quickly stop and go in the cup. Stop, and shift back to the toilet for the last portion. Only give a midstream sample. Just be sure to give 60 cc's.

For the more exotic and desperate suspects:

1. Get your friend to fill out a Disposable Drainage bag. Tape the bag to your abdomen and run a tube down to your fly. The piss must be fresh.

2. For women, a urine filled condom or vanilla extract bottle inserted into the vagina can work wonders.

3. If you cant find a friend ready to donate fresh piss contact them

4. If you are pretty and big boobed, wear revealing clothes to the test center. Distract the male nurse by constantly leaning into him and giving him a peeky-boo.

5. If you are ugly try a hefty bribe.

6. If your really fucked, add toilet water to your sample, or a few draino crystals to lower your pH. For a comprehensive list of additives that can be used see them

7. If you are stoned on the morning of the test, get your girlfriend to do a Bobbit on you. But be careful that you have an ice-bag handy to store your sliced off dick. Also remember to carry the ice bag with you to the hospital for regrafting. If you are a girl Im not sure how your boyfriend can help with this one.

All the best and Godspeed

8 comments:

berk girl said...

Oh my god, this is hilarious!! Are you still worried about last weeks pipe session??
Can i do the bobbit on u btw , please.

jade said...

HILARIOUS!!!!!! LOL
keep us posted as to if any of the pointers worked.

sue said...

I second jade, this is fucking hilarious!! The blog is on its way to famedom my boy. (and shakes her head and nods all knownigly)

down south said...

This is super list. Though do you think inserting a condom filed with piss in the more delicate part down south, should work??

peeya said...

I think the list is pretty damn exhaustive, though keeping off drugs a month before ur test should have been the first suggestion, me thinks.

stanbabe said...

Beautifully and thoughtfully composed lists. Congrats on a job well done!!!

wannabe blogger said...

Godspeed jhantu, godspeed. You need it
LOL :))

narnia said...

The list is exhaustive and comprehemsive. And the site that sells fresh samples is awesome. It even claims "Even if you look around and shop we are the ones who will sell you he freshest and cleanest sample".

Too much, i burst out laughing seeing their site