Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Dial S for SEX

Anyone who watches hindi movies online (hindijoy/desimedia/something else) must have seen those wonderfully bizarre ads where a telephone with a ponytail and a sexy female voice walks upto a guy and cooes in his ears "udaas kyon baithe ho, aao mere saath pyaar ki duniya me (why are you sitting all alone, come with me to the land of love)". And then a number flashes on the screen, which btw i called out of sheer morbid curiosity and nothing else, and it turned out to be a sex line. AHAA!! But hold on to your pants, and stop salivating, this is not about that.

This is about something much more delicious and much more tricky. This is about having phone sex with your girlfriend. Ok it does sound a bit kinky, but hey its your girlfriend and you are supposed to have sex with her right, and not the hot next door brunette. Sigh, mmm ***#$@$

But we digress !! Guys guys guys, let me warn you phone sex is not easy. It is not a walk in the park by any stretch of your imagination. You see with the usual vanilla sex, a majority of your time is spent doing it, for lack of a better word. Words are few and used sparsely, unless you are into dirty talking during the act and most importantly you can gauge the reaction of your partner and alter your moves before they lead to disaster and a subsequent breakup with the worst possible reason "my bf sucks in bed".

But with phone sex you are with a major handicap. Being good in bed is no longer important, you have to good with your words, and damn good for that matter. You dont want to use a line like "you look hot today sweetheart" cos "you cant even see me now you prick" will come the repartee. Instead you have to use the modified version "God your voice makes me all hot". See what I mean, phone sex requires perfect coordination between your brain and your larynx.

Not only that, your sense of timing to say the right words must be spot on. What i mean by that is she might be aching for some hard verbose action, while you (not knowing that) might start up with the soft thingie "I want to put my arms around you and smell your hair" and then "You have no clue what my needs are, so insensitive" will come the harsh rebuke. You getting my point now??

And lastly ending must be pretty grand as well. But I wont go into the details about that, the only word of advise would be let her have a grand finale first, even though usually it takes a girl forever to have a grand finale (not in my case btw). But still, show your sensitive side, shes your girlfriend after all. And most importantly you and your girl have to be on the same synch plane and tuned to the same sexual frequency. Only then will this work. But if you are both tuned properly then "O MY GOD" it is one hell of a smashing experience. And as kinky as it gets.

So all you couples out there, if you havent tried this then stop wasting time reading this stupid post pick up the phone and dial S for SEX. Do let me know how it went though.

18 comments:

chimes said...

I want to put my arms around you and smell your hair" and then "You have no clue what my needs are, so insensitive" will come the harsh rebuke.

really? i would think listener should submit to speaker. to hear speaker's desires is a privilege.

but i don't know how black widow spiders feel about that. appeal to maternal instincts and her awe-inspiring beauty.

"erection is a thought and an orgasm an act of imagination." ~ camille paglia

phone sex requires courage.

Anonymous said...

Oh so thats what those irritating ads on hindijoy are for. so is it a pakisatni sex line????

anon-x said...

this post beats all the previous raunchy ones.. this blog rocks!!

jhantu said...

@chimes: problem is tht listener wants to listen to something other than what speaker is saying, and what privilege, have you ever had any kind of privilege when ur out with ur girlfriend?? Why would phone sex require courage??? I mean its sex right and thats as natural as eating, unless of course u attach a mythical taboo status to it.

@anon: exactly.. i guess the number is 0900214-telephone

@anon-x: wait therell be more !!

chimes said...

problem is tht listener wants to listen to something other than what speaker is saying

that's just wrong!

have you ever had any kind of privilege when ur out with ur girlfriend??

good point.

Why would phone sex require courage

takes guts to lose inhibition and risk sounding ridiculous. especially when it comes to role playing.

hey wanna score points, sing to her. doesn't matter if you're out of tune. it's endearing.

anon-x i agree, but the raunchy ones are good too! can we get back to porn??

stanbabe said...

Are you sure that yout girlfriend reads this blog?? Beacsue if she does then Ill be very very careful, you dont want ur privates chopped off by her do you??

peeya said...

I did try phone sex with my man once. And yea it did involve a fair amount of role playing too. But i guess my biggest problem was getting the correct sentence out at the correct time as you rightly say. And in the end it turned out to be a comic show rather than a kinky experience.

:))

By the way how did urs turn out??

chimes said...

"you look hot today sweetheart" cos "you cant even see me now you prick" will come the repartee.
ask what she's wearing and get all into that... bet it looks such and such, compliments galore on body parts (spiders r insecure), wish i was there, etc...

there's a friends episode where joey teaches ross how to talk dirty. he goes, just relax, close your eyes, and say whatever comes to your mind.

good advice, provided there's a feeling that everything is gonna be alright. there's no right or wrong, it's like two authors bs-ing to write a story. there will be multiple drafts until published.

cupid said...

Chimes are you by any chance this fellow's love life advisor?? though i should add that you are passiong on some decent advise, but some of them are a bit cliche.

Nice post btw jhantu, liked the repartee part, lol

pdgirl said...

I dont believe that you actually ended up calling that number. Heee Heee.

Btw if you didnt and now since you know it is some kind of a pakistani sex line that routes your call all across the workd while ur on hold and thus increases the bill. Please be aware though i havent clled the number, this is information obtained from a second hand un-named source ;-)

jhantu said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jade said...

Extremely informative post anad as always I still say that u might turn out to be the male Linda providing advise to one and all and irrespective of the fact whether ur advise is wanted or not.

But wanting readers to share their phone sex experience is a bit too much isnt it??? After all that is to be done when the couple head to the counsellor/the shrink rigtht??

chimesatdawn said...

Chimes are you by any chance this fellow's love life advisor?? though i should add that you are passiong on some decent advise, but some of them are a bit cliche.

no cupid, i'm your love life advisor. so watch your words cuz i'm shopping with psyche on sunday and i'll tell her to come down and pitai karo.

cliché? touché. a hard man is good to find.

chimesatdawn said...

After all that is to be done when the couple head to the counsellor/the shrink rigtht??

these are great recipes i'll have to try sometime. what else are friends and neighbors good for? :D

jeremy said...

devious bastardization of my panopticon. that's clever, mate.

sakshi said...

hath batha hoye gelo scroll korte korte,koto kichu likheche,

Mastani said...

Continued here...

Anonymous said...

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn pantie hose phone sex from the experience of others and I like hearing differnet pantie hose phone sex points of view. pantie hose phone sex