Saturday, May 20, 2006

The DaVinci Dodo

It is a surprisingly quirky experience when you realize five minutes into a movie, that you've actually read the blockbuster book that inspired the movie, and not just that, you've actually posted an article just a few moons ago proclaiming at the top of your voice that you havent read the book. In that post I even made the claim that the church and the religious groups and what not that are planning to ban the movie's screening are a bunch of droogs who have nothing better to do.

To those people I render a heartfelt apology. You people were right, you knew something that I did not. And now that I have sat through two and a half hours of symbols and cryptexes and geometric duality objects and glass pyramids that act as tombs I know why you people wanted this movie to be banned. You, the kind hearted religious zealots, did not want us, the non-believing mass of movie-going humanity, to sit through this celluloid masterpiece created by Ron Howard and Tom Hanks and that brilliant screenwriter Goldsman that would rival a dodo in its ability to send you into a dumb stupor.

And now I even feel sorry for the pope for whom a private screening was organized. I can picture him snoring all by himself with his bag of holy popcorn and holy pepsi, slowly tipping off his slumbering hands, locked up in his private one sitter movie hall in the Vatican, ten minutes into the movie. Just as the guy sitting next to me or the two couples sitting behind me or the three girls sitting right in front of me or that huge bunch of chinese sitting to my left did.

Since I had little trust in my rapidly failing memory, I asked my friend sitting next to me who was swearing by Dan Brown's literary genius right through the evening, whether the book was really a cult potboiler. Only on receiving a resounding answer in the affirmative, did I realize the brilliance of Avika Goldman, the screenwriter. Goldman and Howard in a spark of absolute Einsteinerque genius had succeeded in stripping Brown's potboiler of all its suspense or tautness or fast pacedness. To say that the movie crawls would be the understatement of the decade. It doesnt just crawl it drags its fucking boring ass all over Europe till you want to bang your head in despair and scream FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP, PLEASE STOP. SOMEBODY BREAK THE DAMN PROJECTOR PLEASE.

Forget Tom Hanks' miserable hair, forget that banshee faced, thin, shrivelled Paul Bettany (Silas) who for some unexplicable reason spends the bulk of his screen time muttering in an Evil Dead like scary voice May the father forgive me, forget Sir Ian McKellan's SRK-style over the top jamming and hamming (the scene at the end where he starts frothing at the mouth and starts stuttering and screaming and over-acting his ass all over uncle sam land as hes shoved into a cop car would do a KKKKiran muttering SRK proud), even forget those dog-chasing-its-own-tail chase sequences that keep on appearing at a frequency of one every five minutes, what really killed me were those history lessons that both Hanks and Mckellan under Howard's masterful non-direction decided to shove up my ass faster than I can say Pop goes the weasle.

But to every great tale there is a catharsis, and believe it or not even Howard and Hanks' dodo has one too. If you've been having sleepless nights due to whatever reason and even the strongest sleep pills have had no effect on you, then go see the Da Vinci Dodo. Howard and Hanks promises to make you sleep like a cuddly baby for two and a half hours.

31 comments:

wannabe blogger said...

Super review dude.

sau said...

Wonderful review jhantu. Buti think im still going to see it. Just for the heck of it

WishfulThinker said...

I wish all movie reviews are refreshingly and entertaingly honest as this was!! :D

cupid said...

This is a very nicely written review. Much better than the crap that rediff's Raja Sen dishes out on a regular basis.

peeya said...

the scene at the end where he starts frothing at the mouth and starts stuttering and screaming and over-acting his ass all over uncle sam land as hes shoved into a cop car would do a KKKKiran muttering SRK proud

Wonderfully written, i love your reviews. You really should do more of them.

stanbabe said...

So essentially the movieis meant for sleep deprived zombies is it?? That would mk it a decen sized hit in the US atleast

Anonymous said...

As someone else pointed out you should take up criticing as a full time profession. Excellnt review

Seven Star Hand said...

Hello Jhantu,

There is a way to understand the import and true meaning of the symbology...

Yes, the DaVinci Code novel is better than the movie. Both are no more accurate as a literal version of history than is the New Testament. In other words, none of them is the literal truth, which is a key fact of the story and ancient history. The primary sub-plot is about purposeful symbology being used to encode hidden meanings, exactly like the Bible and related texts. Arguing about whether the DaVinci Code, Gospel of Judas, or the Bible are accurate history is a Machiavellian red herring designed to hide the truth by misdirecting your inquiry away from the heart of the matter.

There is a foolproof way to verify the truth and expose religious deceptions. It is the common thread connecting the ancient Hebrews, Yahad/Essene, Jews, Gnostics, Cathars, Templars, Dead Sea Scrolls, DaVinci Code, and others who have all been targets of Rome’s evil machinations. What the Vatican and its secret society cohorts don’t want you to understand is that the ancient Hebrew symbology in all of these texts purposely encodes and exposes the truth about them. Furthermore, the structure of ancient symbology verifiably encodes the rules to decode messages built with it. This is what they most fear you will discover.

It is undeniable the New Testament is framed by ancient Hebrew symbolism and allegory. The same is evidenced in the Dead Sea Scrolls, Gnostic texts, biblical apocrypha, DaVinci Code, and other related texts. All ancient religious, mystical, and wisdom texts have been shrouded in mystery for millennia for one primary reason: The ability to understand their widely evidenced symbology was lost in antiquity. How do we finally solve these ages-old mysteries? To recast an often-used political adage: It’s [the] symbology, stupid!

It is amazing the Vatican still tries to insist the Gospels are literal truth. It is beyond obvious they are replete with ancient Hebrew symbology. Every miracle purported for Jesus has multiple direct symbolic parallels in other symbolic narratives and traditions. This is the secret held by the ancient Gnostics, Templars, and Cathars, which is presented with dramatic effect in the DaVinci Code. None of these narratives or stories were ever intended as the literal truth.

Likewise, the following Washington Post article (The Book of Bart) describes the many embellishments made to the New Testament over the centuries, demonstrating it is not original, infallible, or truthful.

What then is the purpose of "faith" but to keep good people from seeking to understand truth and wisdom? It's no wonder the Vatican fears the truth more than anything else. Now comes justice, hot on its heels... (symbolism...)

Revelations from the Apocalypse

chimes said...

holy popcorn and holy pepsi
lol

religion and power in darfur...what is up with that?

dilbert said...

I saw the movie and to tell you the truth i fell asleep after the plane scene. Maybe because it was a late night show or maybe because what you said was bang on on target !!

Anonymous said...

"holy popcorn and holy pepsi"!!
that was funny!!
LOL

babelfish said...

Everyone's been raving about what a good movie this is going to be. I was planning to watch it seriously, with a gang of friends. Now I am forewarned, I shall go with interesting company :D

orkuts said...

this is a rocking review, I was planning to catch the movie once it gets released here n india, i still will, but now my mind is made up for what to expect..

ria said...

Both howard and goldsman were part of the beautiful mind team, goldsman even got an oscar for screenplay for beautiful mind. Strange that he would turn this book into a sleeping capsule.
Nice review btw.

sumantra said...

NYT or somesuch paper gave Da Vinci a very favourable review. But this one is refreshingly brutal and honest and very entertaining as well.

Anonymous said...

dude,u started a blog abt jenna jameson and suchlike, now its become reviews of da vinci codes out here - if anything review kristina black mopping up peter north!!!!!!
please dont destroy a beautiful thing, if u must, start another blog abt movie reviews please. :-(
i think i need to go for a long solitary walk :-(
its not just u, everything's changing.

batman said...

I enjoyed your review more than the movie. Scathing and very very funny and bang on target. Wonderfuk

disappointed said...

I agree with aonymmous, your sex posts and sex observations have taken a back-seat. Why in God's name?? Let us have some brutal sex reviews about desi baba and desi babes from uncle sam land.

Anonymous said...

Very Blunt and very enjoyable review jhantu

Anonymous said...

You seem to have a "mental block" against Dan Brown. Pseudo-philosophy is it??

kimi said...

Cool review, very informative and thanks for the forewaring ;)

dan said...

even i saw the movie and while do agree with you that was painfully slow, but not with the point that Mckellan was overacting. Infact he was probably the most interesting character in the whole film and was played with delighful playfulness by Mckellan.

rams said...

This is one of the better reviews of the movie that I have read. Good job

anon-x said...

You have a natural knack of tickling people's funny bones. Keep posting

watsonmills said...

You seem to be fascinated by the DODO creature, in each and every one of your post there would be atleast one reference to dear dodo.
LOL

rhyming hymn said...

Apparently Goa has banned the movie being the first stae to do so, and the muslim league or something like that in mumbai has expressed "solidarity" with the christian community to press fr the ban. Why dont you pass this review over to those guys, they'll know that they have egg on their face immediately

expiring_frog said...

I haven't seen the movie, but the book is trash. By that I mean it's incredibly cheesy and badly written (and full of cleverer-than-thou pop-history lessons), not that it's offensive ot anything (like I care).

Drops Of Jupiter said...

Giggle..that was so funny.. Ian was arrested in La Londres not uncle sam land..(i know i know.. sorry)

i went for the midnight show that started at 1240 or so..one hour into it, I was "Oh god..make it stop.."

jhakkkas said...

The movies raking in huge mullah here dude inspite of its brai dead speed

jax said...

Silas apparently suffers from albino which explains his pale shrivelled skin. And he made me go pale with boredom throughout the movie!!!!

charlemagne said...

Interesting review, will see it for sure though the movie hasnt released out here yet